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[ Short Form & Affirmations ] [ Personal Narratives ]

A Letter To My Brother

Dear Billy,

Once upon a time there was this happy little girl… And then she grew up and turned into this demon spawned monster. Ten years ago I never would have imagined that i would be where I’m at right now. A decade has taught me a lot and boy, do I mean a lot. I am an addict. It took me a long time to face that and to own up to it. No, I never in my wildest dreams wanted or dreamt of setting out to live this nightmare. I seen first hand what addiction does to people. For instance, our father. He was a good dad… When he was clean. Which was rare. We witnessed the physical abuse our Mother had to endure. Can I just say that our mom is a fucking warrior. She has this mental and emotional strength about her that I can only dream of having. After all our father put her through, put us through; I swore to myself I would NEVER do drugs. I hated him. We witnessed Tata and troy in and out of jail because of their addictions. Aunt Tina completely disappeared and was no where around because of her addiction. We see what Gavin has drug our grandparents through because of his addiction. I despised them… All. Why? Because of their addictions. I blamed them. I hated them. Loving an addict yet hating them just as much if not more… Is literally the equivalence of mourning a living loved one as if they were dead. I know what’s it like to hate an addict that you once loved and at some point held them in your heart. Everytime they enter the room you clench your jaw your stomach starts doing summer salts. You have this unsettling feeling of fear. Fear for what this addict will do, they are unstable and unpredictable. They bring you shame you almost feel as if your friends are judging you because of your addict sister ‘maybe you’ll turn out just like her’ the thought makes you sick to your stomach right? As it should. I once felt that same way. Addiction has affected you your entire life. I never thought I would be the one. That ended up in this nightmare. To be honest I don’t even know how to make sense out of all of it.

When I was 12, I was so angry. Our mom took me away from everything I knew. (The Portland Metropolitan Area) and brought my to this rinky dink mink farming hill Billy hick town. She took me away from my family. My sports. She took me away from the last thing that I had left of my dad. I was angry. I was so angry. She took me out of the city to keep me safe… Only to be sexually assaulted a few months after being in Jefferson. I became even more angry. I felt so much hatred. I was unsafe in this town she moved me to so that she could keep me safe. It made no sense to me. I was confused, angry, hurt, and most of all lost. I wanted all the emotions to stop. I didn’t want to feel anymore. That’s when I started lashing out. I started smoking cigarettes, I was smoking weed, and getting into trouble at school.

By the time I was 14 I was experimenting with pills. That’s where things started going downhill. Opiates gave me this sense of escape. I was able to escape the reality of all these emotions I no longer wanted. I didn’t have to deal with them anymore. By the time I was in highschool I was skipping school all the time. Mom would take me to the bus stop and i would ride to school and than a group of us would go to Stayton and just blaze bowls. Not that this happened every single day but it happened a LOT.

When I was 16, Gavin came to stay with us. He made some friends and mom absolutely DESPISED one in particular. Bj. Maybe it was the whole cage fighter thing. Or maybe the fact he was in and out of jail. It could have possibly even been the fact that he had three kids, but my money is on the fact that he was 24. She didn’t want me anywhere around him. When he first came around I seen nothing special about him. He was a grenade. But me being the rebellious teenager that I was loved the fact that she hated it. So I went for it. It wasn’t long before I was sneaking around to see him and lying about where I was going so I could kick it with him. And it wasn’t long after that, that I happened to find out that he was smoking Meth. Now, reverting  back to my previous comment… I would never do drugs. When I was approached with it I said no but “Its not even bad. Its just like smoking weed. Weed makes you tired but this… This will give you energy. And its the same thing as addy” After awhile mom started catching on to small things… And she wanted me to pee in a cup because she thought I was using Meth. So I peed in the cup. I tried lying my way out of it. A lot of good that did things quickly escalated and I was out of the house. I ran away and than eventually moved in with granny and papa to finish school.

From February 2012 to December 2012 I was clean. I was still smoking weed but I was Meth free. By this time I was living in Lebanon. March 9th 2013 I relapsed. The next day I got a call to inform me that grandma Gina passed away. I can’t even describe the pain that I felt from loosing her. I went downhill pretty fast. I threw myself into this drunken stoop. This is where I meet Cece and Janelle. Binge drinking, pills, Meth and weed. I moved in with grandpa in May and was still using… Up until about the end of July; The beginning of August.

Once I moved in with Randall I mostly gave up with alcohol and yet again I dove head first into pills. It got pretty bad… I mean I was swallowing HANDFULS of pills at a time. Not two or three im literally talking about like ten pills. Oxys, morphine, perks, vics, xanax, valium, norcos, methadone, pretty much anything I could get my hands on. There were times I would be so trashed I would be puking all over myself. Randall would literally hold my hair and throw my ass in the shower to sober me up. After awhile I woke up one day and just didn’t want any pills. I didn’t want anything. Shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. From November 2013 on… I was clean. No pills. No Meth. After I had Aaliyah I picked up weed again. A month before her first birthday… I relapsed… Ended up losing both my jobs…

We came to Oklahoma I was clean. December 22nd 2015 at 7:26 pm is when my life was headed for nothing but a destructive downward spiral. I was dog sitting. Tre. Well I was staying in the trailer and I opened a cabinet only to find a chong. And that’s when I lost it. Started dating Garrett and everything got so much worse so quickly. I started using heroin and that’s when I stopped caring. One day I stopped looking both ways before I crossed the street. I stopped wearing my seatbelt in the car I stopped counting the number of pills I was swallowing. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just stopped caring whether I lived or not. I stopped fighting for my life. Throughout my addiction I suffered more pain than I wish anyone else to ever know. I endured all kinds of abuse from Garrett. Emotional, physical and mental. Everytime he would start attacking me I would beg and plead. I would promise I wouldn’t do it again. I was the one destroying the relationship. He had complete and total control over me.

I remember this like it was yesterday. I was making something to eat and he came into the kitchen and blindsided me. Once he got me to the ground he got me by the throat. I was so tired of fighting back. I quickly felt all the oxygen leave my body. I could feel my eyes rolling back. The look in his eyes told me he wasn’t going to let go until it was too late. That’s when I stopped fighting my body went limp my sight was now hazy. He was going to kill me and I was gonna let him. Just before it all went black he let me go. And I thank god he did. There was times I had a gun in my face. The abuse was never ending. Until I walked away one day with purple hand on my throat and bruises that covered my body.

Not only did I suffer under my own addiction. But those that loved me suffered as well. I stopped coming around because; instead of chasing this little girl that once grew inside my tummy, this beautiful little girl that I gave life to and have the scar to prove it; I was too busy chasing a bag of dope. I didn’t want to hear the lectures, the silent judgement, the screaming whispers as I walked by whomever was in the living room. I didn’t want to have to look my loved ones in the eyes and give them false hope but at the same time I didn’t want to admit that I had a serious problem. I made so many promises. When I would come around. The nature of my illness prevented me from keeping them. I may have wanted to mean the words that I spoke. I might have even meant and believed those empty promises in that moment. But that’s just it, they were all EMPTY. The empty promises that I made was just a way of postponing the pain I would have to face if I were to be honest. Lies, lies, lies, so many lies. ‘Oh im clean, I havent used in like two weeks, im leaving him and never going back… Aaliyah im just going to smoke really quick(only to leave and not come back for another month) I hated going to the house because I had to face the pain and heart break I was causing Aaliyah.

HeroinAddiction is a monster it lives inside, and feeds off of you, it takes from you, controls you and destroys you. It is a beast that tears you apart, rips out your soul, and laughs at your weakness. A stone wall that keeps you in and the rest out. Its a shadow that lurks behind me, waiting to strike. It forms you into this prisoner of your own body. Its a cage you live in. Im sorry for the person I became and even more so that it took me so long to change. Im sorry I made you see the heartbreak in Aaliyahs eyes that I caused by walking out. Im sorry I chose drugs over my family. Im sorry I hurt you. Im sorry I hurt mom and caused this pain inside for becoming this person no one ever recognized. I am sorry you had to watch me destroy myself. Im sorry I made you look at me with such hate, anger, dissapointment and disgust. Im so sorry I made you guys watch as I completely gave up on life. I struggle with the fact that I made my own mother feel lost in a corner smothered by MY sins. My addiction took me to a dark place in my soul. Im sick of making things worse. Im sick of letting you guys down. Im sick of breaking my daughters heart and being absent in her life. I became a mess. A walking disaster. That’s the last thing any of you needed. But just so you know this mess… Loves you endlessly. I know I’ve said it countless times…. But im really trying. Im fighting my demons every day. Im not gonna say its easy because its far from. I promise to never give up on myself or life again. I am a woman that knows her worth. I am a woman with morals and standards. I will not back peddle or fail in my recovery because Who I am today hates who I’ve been. I no longer fear danger. I no longer look in the mirror and see an evil stranger. Again im as free as a bird. Im no longer chained as a captive of heroin.  This time I choose love and happiness. The love of my family and the happiness I feel by watching my little one grow and learn. I choose emotions. I am determined to learn how to face each emotion and learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way. I sabatoged my life in the past. I thought happiness was something I would never find. I fought for recovery. Anything good is worth fighting for. I want to learn how to embrace my struggle. My past is my past I will not let it define me. Each and everyday I thrive to become a better me. The bravest thing I ever did was continue life when I wanted to die. I hate getting flashbacks of everything I want to forget. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned its to not drown out these memories or emotions. Own them. Don’t let them own you. Every scar that rests on my soul is a part of what has made me who I am today, I am no longer my scars and weakness. I’ve learned that no matter what kind of storms yourself or life creates, There is always light just around the corner.

So Billy I ask not for your forgiveness but I ask that you work on forgiving me. Forgiveness does not and will not happen over night. It takes time to heal the wounds of the heart and spirit. I know it will take a lot to gain your trust again. But im willing to do what it takes. I have a lot to provebut one thing is for sure I love you endlessly. Family is forever.

With deepest apologies,