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[ Personal Narratives ]

A Mother & Son Try To Recover, But Only One Of Us Made It Out

I am an addict in recovery. I am also the mother of two addicted sons. My son, John died November 11, 2015. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life, but John’s death from an overdose brought me to my knees. It blew everything out of the water. He was always there. He needed me and I needed him. We were homeless together, he saved my life, literally, 6 times. He was a good man. He had a gentle broken heart. This world was too hard for him. He loved animals, babies, and was always ready to help whoever needed help. 

He wanted so much to get clean. We didn’t have the money to send him to rehab. My prayer for him, was that he would have happiness here before God took him. The day before he died, he went with his father and our grandson, to the Spartan Race at Fenway Park. They went out to eat and his father dropped him off. Hours later, he was gone. My oldest son called my brother. He handed me the phone and said, “Johnny’s dead.” I couldn’t talk by the time I hung up. 

My brother drove me to the hospital to see him. I reached underneath his back and it was still warm. My boy was gone, his heart stopped beating and mine broke and shattered my life. We were so much alike. I couldn’t tell where I began and he started. That day I found out. I will never be the same. 

He was my heart… I took a clip of his hair and ripped off a piece of his tee shirt and carry it with me. 

The things I used to be passionate about, no longer have the same meaning for me. I feared that call all the time. Nothing could have ever prepared me for it. 

Now, I decorate his grave. I volunteer at a local rehab center near where I now live. I go to honor John, and to share what God has done for me, how I was able to go through the worst thing that has ever happened to me and remain clean. 

He has shown me the things that caused me to run into the arms of death, time and time again. I am now free. 

John’s death will always be with me, be cause he was my heart. I will always miss him. One morning I was spending time with God, through a devotional, the Bible, and journaling. I felt that God said, “This is for My glory”. John had made amends while he was in jail. That’s why he was with his father that day. His father sensed his voice sounded off. He said he took some Benadryl. His father said that if John wanted to be with him there would be no Benadryl or anything else. I believe that God’s great love and mercy took him to be with him. He would have lost all he gained from making amends. He wouldn’t be able to live through that. 

His friend came to God because of this. If just one life can be saved, then it will be worth all the pain. He’s always on my mind, and he will always be in my heart, because since he was conceived he’s always been my heart, and nothing can change that. Not even death…

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