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[ Personal Narratives ]

As I Lay Dying 

I’d like to share an experience that I had last Friday night. I think it will shed some light on diabetes and food addiction for those who don’t understand. Hopefully those who suffer with this type of self harm may be encouraged to find that they are not alone. Many people think of self harm as cutting or taking drugs, even smoking cigarettes. But, not many people see food as an addiction.

Carbs are my kryptonite. Especially chocolate. It is a rare instance when I am able to resist chocolate. If I know that it is in reach, it becomes an obsession. It’s all I can think about until I get it in my mouth. I can’t simply eat a single serving. I must eat every last morsel no matter the cost! Say what you want about my lack of self- discipline. I’m an addict as much as the pot head down the street who swears that marijuana isn’t addictive.chocolate understands

I went to bed with a crushing headache. I didn’t think too much of it because I had gobbled down four, count them, four large dark chocolate bars today. One before I ever got up this morning. I went to brunch with my Son, my Mom and the twins. We were home by 11:30am. I put the stinkers down for a nap and lay down, myself. I put a movie on Netflix and proceeded to gobble down the other three bars. It was just so yummy. I knew that I had more, so I just kept eating them until they were all gone. Then, I went to sleep. Of course, I woke up with a headache. I took my meds. I made sure to include the Metformin , which lowers my blood sugar. Had “Pub Subs” with the family for dinner and the headache sent me back to bed. 

I moaned and groaned about my headache. Of course, I did not admit to my husband that I was literally overdosing on chocolate. All I could do was suffer through it. I woke with a sudden shock around 12am. I could barely move, I knew that I was in trouble. I began calling to my Husband for help. “Babe! Baby! I need help! Please! Help me!” He didn’t move. He was asleep with his CPAP on. He couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t move to get his attention. I continued to cry out. Help me! Please, help me! I picked up the tv remote that he had given me before he went to sleep. It was still lying across my chest. I thought that if I could just get the tv on, the light and sound would stir him. But, as I tried to push the on button, I realized that I didn’t have the strength. I was practically paralyzed. I knew what was happening. I had seen other diabetics go through similar episodes when I worked as a Nurses Aid in hospitals and nursing homes. My sugar was too high, I could feel it. My mouth was so dry, I realized as the remote hit the floor that in all my efforts to wake my husband, I had never actually uttered a sound!

Oh, God! I am going to lay here and die! I am having a stroke and it’s going to kill me! Please! Help me! Suddenly, I had the strength to reach down and pick up that remote. I turned on the tv, turned down the sound and found myself getting out of bed, grabbing my water and my medicine and going into the bathroom. The recovery was nothing short of miraculous. I quickly washed my hands and pricked my finger. No dilly dallying over the anxiety of the pain of the tiny prick that would draw my blood. Not this time. I knew that I was being given a chance here and I wasn’t about to draw it out. Prick and squeeze. Thick red blood popped to the surface of my left middle finger faster than I had ever seen. It seemed as though the very blood in my body knew that there was no time to waste. I applied my finger to the test strip and read the result. 201. 

201? Now, I know that is higher than recommended. However, the day that I received the news that I was diabetic, I was standing in my Doctor’s office in tampa where they had just tested my sugar out at over 300 and I felt fine. How strange this whole experience… Still, I wasn’t fooling around. I took 1000mg of Metformin; my regular bedtime dose. I followed up with my sinus pill and my cholesterol pill. All the while, all I was thinking was that either my tester is broken, or God had drastically driven down my blood sugar in a matter of seconds in order to give me the strength and the where with all to get out of bed and get my meds in me. I believe that to be the case. Now, I’m quite tired, but, I am going to stay awake long enough to retest my sugar in an hour.


As you can see, I was entirely out of control that day. I put myself into a dangerous position. But, even as I was eating those chocolate bars, I was thinking of the consequences and the addict in me was able to convince the logical me that it was worth the risk. See, my body doesn’t always react badly to this type of binging. Sometimes I can eat a whole cheesecake and I’m fine. So, I had a 50/50 shot at being ok. I took it. I nearly died. Even though there was no big scene with an ambulance and the hospital, I have no doubt that I was on death’s doorstep. That desperate prayer saved me. God saved me this time. Who knows what will happen next time if I even wake up.

I haven’t gone on a binge since then. I know that I had a close call. I am not completely off of sugar, although I should be. But, I am not planning to ever repeat that experience again. I want to be healthy and strong.

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Thanks for reading~