Today when I was experiencing cravings for a glass of Champagne (of course I told myself it would be only one glass), the only reason I could stop myself was to make a plan to have it tomorrow.
The prospect and excitement that I could drink tomorrow was intoxicating. I was not looking forward to spending another day in some life affirming way with family or friends, reading or even shopping or work—something. I just kept thinking about the drink I’d enjoy tomorrow.
Currently, I am thinking more clearly and have abandoned my plan. In hindsight, it was a classic alcoholic insane situation.
I imagine that the majority of us miss the idea that we can drink with others in a dignified manner. I know I do. Thing is, I have no idea when the last time was that I could socially drink without getting smashed. I am sure there was a time. There had to have been. Since it has been so long ago that I cannot even recall that era, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not nostalgia. It’s not drinking socially that I miss. I miss being drunk.
So my plan was really to get drunk tomorrow. I veiled it to look like a simple, single glass of champagne, but my hidden agenda was to get bombed. Now I am left with asking myself what triggered this whole chain of events. What was the stimulus that ignited the urge? Was it just a normal alcoholic moment, plain and simple? Was it anger or depression, hunger or thirst—what?
It was guilt.
I did something I was not proud of: I took advantage of a friend. It caused me to feel badly about myself and I that feeling wanted to stop. Pesky feelings.
If only I had stopped in the moment and tried to figure out why I was desiring a drink, instead of planning for tomorrow. Then, the entire scenario could have been resolved at the time. I was still in a place where I could go back and repair the situation with my friend. I could have taken care of the guilt. But at least I can make a plan today to amend my tomorrow.