There is a dark and destructive force that now lives inside of me.
It slithers around, slowly killing all that is alive and well.
I used to think I was in control, that I was smart enough to keep it at bay, but now I am at its mercy.
How did I let it grow to the magnitude it now functions and thrives at?
It is fed off of my destruction and demise. For everyday I fall deeper into the pit of despair, this demon grows stronger and it will not cease until I am dead.
This demon grew with each hit I drew up in the needle and administered into my veins. I gave my demon more power, more grip over me, and finally came to the very dark place where I had no choice left. At one point, I was able to decide when I wanted to just “have some fun,” escape a little bit, relax. But this choice very quickly slipped away from me, for I am now at the mercy of the needle, at the dope dealer, and finding a vein.
I now function under the full control of my addiction, my demon. Heroin took away the light, it robbed me of my ability to love and to live.
I now no longer live any type of life. I simply exist, from day to day, reacting to each situation life throws my way. I no longer enjoy the experience of new people, places, or things. I analyze them to see how I can best benefit from them. I do not have friends. I have people in my life only if I can get something for myself out of the “friendship”. I do not have a loving boyfriend. I have someone who uses and abuses me on a daily basis and feels justified because I’m a good-for-nothing dope fiend.
Please know that this is not me. My actions are not the actions of a healthy mind. These actions you see are from someone who is suffering, under the control of the demon of addiction that has now taken over, actions of someone desperately looking for a way out, someone who has lost the will to live. Someone who is so deep in the grip of their addiction they feel the only way out is death.
I am broken. I am lost. I am a shell of my former self. Please know this is not the real me.