I’m all alone feeling like shit,i wish i could have just one drink, but as always like before, i’d only end up wanting more. I’m 18 months clean, days i dont feel too serene, they say addiction is progressive, i wonder is that why i be so depressive. I know now why they say it’s day by day, everyday i feel a different way. As i’m writing this i’m trying to think what to say, if i wrote down my thoughts, they’d lock me away.
Since i’ve got clean, there’s a big part of my life taking from me, friendship and relationships are starting to get to me. Using was the only thing i knew how to do, running around mad me and my crew. I’m feeling lonesome, that leaves me feeling downsome,my compulsions and obsessions will lead to depression. They’ve manifested in different ways, looking for hits in other ways. I know i can beat these thoughts if i keep it in the day, but sometimes it’s hard to when i feel this way.
Sometimes i wonder is it worth it all, all i have to do is give my sponsor a call, or if i go to a meeting and share how i feel, by the end of the meeting, it wont be as big of a deal.
I’m lying here in the hills and it’s pouring, no wonder life is boring, sometimes i feel like going abroad on a plane, but if i leave and end up using, i’ll end up insane, short time pleasure, long term pain.
Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes i think recovery is full of clowns. Recovery for me is do or die, sometimes i think of suicide, to me it’s a cowardly thing to do, all i have to do is talk to you. It’s a bank holiday weekend,i should be out looking for a girlfriend, instead i’ve sat in all weekend, writing and on the phone to my friends.
Thats’s the insanity of this disease, i can sit and talk shite and people please, if i’d just talk the truth, i’d get some ease. I could go out every weekend and try make new friends, i’d be better dealing with my past and make my amends. Going out won’t make me feel better, it’ll only leave me feeling under the weather, watching people drinking and using, to me it’s self-harm and abusing.
I’d be better off lying in the hills, the day will come ill get my thrills,
in different ways than before,
In ways that i won’t need no more!!!!