It’s like a horror movie that flickers moments of your life before your eyes. Its fear, it’s loss, it’s disappointment. IT IS PAIN.
I’m scared. There is a tightness in my chest and I cry for the man I married everyday. I don’t want him to suffer. When he is sick I want to save him. I want to give him anything he needs to feel better so I can pretend for a moment that this is not our reality. I am afraid to be alone. Im afraid to be with him. I need him like he needs the drugs. I love him like he loves the drugs.
Suboxone was the beginning of, what seems to be, NO ESCAPE. We thought we found a miracle that soon turned into another nightmare. There is no way out of this. The drug owns us.
The sickness lasts for days, sometimes weeks. I’m left to manage everything he can’t physically accomplish during this period of sickness. We finally get the refill and the next few days he is amazing! He has a super strength and is helpful. He is talkative and he is loving when he first gets his medication. Soon though, he falls into a deep depression. He is still here, but he feels despair, exhaustion and inability to move. He doesn’t shower, he sleeps all day and he doesnt care. He loses his ability to love. The cycle starts over again when the sickness takes over his body. He is helpless. I am helpless.
Years and years I have continued to cope with his addiction. Years and years I suffer for him, with him and for our family. I can’t let anyone know how hard our life is because I don’t want to lose anymore than we have already lost. I want him to be loved and accepted when he is well enough to leave the house. I want to pretend that we are ok. If I try hard enough, I can forget how hard it was until we got a refill and he is feeling ok.