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[ Personal Narratives ]

Experiencing Insanity, Even In Recovery.

Ativan please.

I am allergic to emotions. Face problems, hell no. Wait and let the situation settle down, no way.

Off. The emotions must be turned off. Now.

The only explanation that has made sense is how an addicts mind works. There is an underlying immaturity involved too, but basically addicts run from emotions.

My solution? Ativan. Well, I would prefer if that were still my solution. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I am now cut off from the wellspring of escaping from my problems. It really wasn’t a good solution otherwise I would still be using. But, when I am sober it is hard to remember that it was always a bad idea.

Yesterday that bad idea haunted me. An immense amount of mental energy went to telling myself: …”you are a dumb ass”, “rehab sucks”, “think of the kids”, “Ativan”, “go to a meeting”, “dumb ass”…. All this chaos because my feelings were hurt and I did not (too scared) to talk it though with the person involved. You know, I was afraid to be an adult at 52 years of age.

Looking back it is insane. I spent a day not dealing with the issue. An entire day. If I dealt with the problem my life would have continued without obsessing on my hurt feelings. Ativan would most likely not have been a false beacon light and I not its moth. In a way my addiction did not torture me as much as I ran into my it’s arms for a long hug. And I did that. I am not a victim. I did that.

I believe addiction is a disease. I also believe that a healthy lifestyle can prevent the disease from keeping us in a sick state or from killing us. There is choice involved, to an extent. Being human making the right choice 100% of the time is only for the serious few. Others will be in the 90% range and have a decent life. The disease of addiction is special in that too many relapses ends in death. How the mental capacity is diminished during the binge of using further impacts a change in lifestyle. There is no other disease quite like addiction, nor is there one that blames the inflicted with so much fury. It sucks.

I didn’t deal with my problem or use Ativan yesterday. My hope is that next time I face my issue. I might cry but I won’t die. What will kill me is if I try to escape and run to drugs and alcohol.

I played with fire and did not get burned this time.