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[ Short Form & Affirmations ]

I’m Quitting Opiates, This Time I’m Certain…

I woke up at 9am this morning with cold sweats and the worst chills, today is my 3rd day off suboxone, and no this is not the first time. This is my 5th time kicking it and the reason why im sitting here typing this for you to read is because there is light at the end of this never ending nightmare. 

It started my summer going into Freshman year of highschool. I was at my best friends house and we had some other kids over, they asked me if I wanted to try smoking a Percocet. I said yes, I was only 14 after all and had yet to meet my addictive personality. From that day forward I fell in love with the feeling of getting high. 

My sophmore year was pretty much a blackout, I had been buying 10-20 Klonopin (a benzodiazepine similar to Xanax) a day, from a girl in my spanish class. I would find up the pill into a fine powder, and sniff around ten 1mg pills a day. I did this for 8 months, and somehow I remained relatively functional, as I played a sport all year round. Dont ask me how I did it because I really couldnt tell you, maybe I was just always so high I didnt feel anything and just pushed through the pain. 

It wasn’t long until I was mixing Lorazepam, Valium, and Percocet. I also loved doing cocaine, I would combine the uppers with the downers and “speedball” all day long. I guess there was a false sense of security since I was doing all this with other people, including my best friend’s cousin who supplied most of my narcotics. 

By 16 years old, I was a train wreck and I knew it. I started to experiment with nearly every drug with the exception of LSD and Meth. As the year went on, my addiction only got worse. I would end up quitting the sport I had loved playing for 9 years. As my Junior year came to a close, Heroin became my drug of choice, and even though there were times I wanted to ask for help, the stigma attached to that drug, made it impossible for me to come clean to anyone else about my problems. Heck, I was still convincing myself at times that this was still just recreational. 

I had always promised myself I would not use drugs intravenously, so instead I would freebase the Heroin. 

 (for those that don’t know, freebasing is a form of smoking a substance, most often accomplished by melting the drug over a piece of foil and using a straw of sorts to inhale the smoke).  

When getting high it wasnt just about smoking the drug, as most drug addicts will tell you, there is a nostalgia within the ritual of getting your supply and setting it up. I loved seeing that dope oil slide on the foil, seeing the smoke funnel into my straw made me more happy than anything else in life. 

By the start of my senior year I was experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, but I couldn’t stop, not even if I wanted to. Quitting would mean that the opiate withdrawals were just a few hours away. Though there were times I couldn’t get the heroin I needed to stay well, I still kept it a secret. My parents had no clue, it wasn’t something that would even cross their mind. 

During the middle of my senior year, my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years was starting to slip away. I knew she was tired, she was tired of spending her life with a heroin addict. And who could blame her? After all, my first love was heroin, and when you’re in a relationship with heroin, there’s no room for anyone else.

As graduation approached, I couldn’t believe I made it through, I couldn’t believe that despite being a heroin addict, I completed Highschool. Graduation ceremony felt great, but not as good as the $40 bag of heroin I smoked in my school parking lot before hand. That day I walked and graduated with all the friends who I’d grown up with, and still, only a couple of them knew about my little secret.

It didn’t take long after that for people to take notice. After a certain amount of time you just cant hide it anymore, because you look like you haven’t eaten in a month, and your selfishness begins to show. Thats what heroin does to you, it turns you into a manipulating zombie who doesn’t care about anything except for the next high. T

I remember my grad night, my highschool had thrown an all night party from10pm-6am and while for most high school graduates, it’s a memorable experience — one last party with all of your friends– I was just looking forward till my next high. We weren’t able to leave grad night until 6am, so as soon as we were able, my buddy and I went straight to my dealers house and smoked about 3 bags of heroin.

That summer went by fast, as did the growth of my addiction. By the time college started, I was meeting my dealer every morning at 10am — on the dot! I would be there usually cringing in my car, staring out my window and praying for him to pull up. I wasn’t in a hurry to catch class, I was in a hurry to get well, because the withdrawals became more painful and more frequent. When you’re going through opiate withdrawals, you’re brain gives your body one objective: get more heroin at all costs. The pain of heroin withdrawal is indescribable, and heroin becomes just like oxygen, you’ll do nearly anything to get it, the least of which was skipping class.

I went to a college in my home town, and I was still able to get through the first few months alright. But  then my life started to unravel. I remember getting a call from my girlfriend of almost 3 years, as she proceeded to tell me she had cheated on me.  I remember being in the passenger seat of my car when she told me. I remember not being able to breathe or talk, no matter how hard I tried. I immediately put the phone down and vomited out my passenger seat. She was crying on the phone. but as time went on I knew she was happy because I was finally out of her life. She wanted for me to get better, but she couldn’t keep seeing the addict side of me that I hid from almost everyone else. I imagine most people who end up dating someone with an active drug addiction, end up feeling like more of a parent than a significant other. To this day I have an apology that Ive rewritten a hundred times in my head, the thought of it is engraved into my memory forever, I felt so lonely. I wish I could tell her I was sorry, but it was too late, the bridge had been burned to the ground.

As you could probably guess, things didn’t get better from there. In fact, what would follow would be the worst 2 years of my life. I would fall into a very dark hole, a never ending cycle of  anger, depression, and loneliness. All of this would fuel my addiction, I started spending $100-$200 everyday, I get sick just thinking of how much money I spent. 

Now I had reached a routine that stripped me of anything I had left. EVERY, SINGLE, MORNING, I was a zombie. and my whole family knew it. I’d fall asleep nodded out with a piece of burnt tin foil in my hand on the floor in my room, I just didn’t care. I has lost the most important thing in my life and I just wanted to numb the pain.

2014 would bring about some change. My 2 year spree of running around smoking dope came  to a halt. I met with a doctor who would prescribe me Suboxone, He helped me through the process, and though I miss using (a lot!) I continue on the right path, I wean off suboxone and I take it for up to a year. 

YES! I thought… I did it! I stopped using dope, and I stayed clean for over a year.  Life seemed to be getting better, while I had to deal with a lot of the problems that i’d swear under the rug in my active addiction, it was just a great feeling not to wake up sick every morning! While I wasn’t opiate free (suboxone is a partial opiate) I was clean in my mind, I wasn’t getting high, and the suboxone was just there to help curve the withdrawal symptoms and some even say it curbs the desire for more.

Last year, I stopped taking suboxone, and I began to go through suboxone withdrawals which are supposed to be much less intense than the withdrawal from other opiates, although I didn’t know it usually takes 2 to 3 times longer to get through. The 2 weeks that followed broke me down physically and emotionally, I really got to see what my breaking points were and how much pain the human body can really endure. After those 2 weeks had passed I was truly free from opiates of any kind for another 2 months… Then disaster struck. 

I relapsed, I thought I could use just once and it wouldn’t be such a big deal since I wouldn’t feel withdrawals again if I only used once. Well, one time turned into two, and two into three, and you get the picture. What would follow would be a tortures cycle, i’d use heroin for a month and then id take Suboxone for a month, this went on up until last week.

It’s now Tuesday May 3rd , 2016 I woke up this morning sick on my 4th day off subs for the 5th and final time. I have not used heroin in 2 months and I never plan on going back. I know that my words mean little, an when i sat “Im never gonna do it again”, most people probably don’t believe me. But this time I dont fiend for it, I hate it. My relationship with Heroin is being cut and Im never getting back together with her. 

Its 10am and today I am clean, happy and ready take on life and its challenges to come.