Today would be my daughter Kirstyn’s, 25th birthday. Does it feel surreal? Damn right. We always think it will be someone else but when it’s your child, it’s a loss so profound, so agonizing, it’s simply… surreal.
It has been 4 years since she was stolen from us, a selfish sequence of actions that can’t be reversed. Those somewhat culpable on THAT day seem to go on with their lame lives without a care. Remorse is absolutely vacant from their conscience and I wonder how??? They allowed her to die while they stayed high, schemed and conned, dragged her body from bed to shower, stole her clothes, jewelry, money and … drugs.
They left her loved ones with an unrecognizable shell, her soulless, bloated and bleeding body, ribs broken from rescitations and MRSA invading from the exposed orifices. Yes, they probably shot her up that final time and I’m sure she demanded it.
So, she deserved to die? That’s right, I forgot, you were giving her mercy because you felt she actually wanted to be done. You made that choice for all of us, having barely known her. As officials described the eventual call to 911, made only after she had already died once, they were suspicious. There was no emotion in his voice. He seemed panicked, but not for her, for himself. As the paramedics tried to talk him through life saving steps, the dispatcher recalled her frustration with the caller as he said he couldn’t give my child mouth to mouth or follow the instructions as he was “too nervous”. Exasperated, he claimed he was “turned off” and queasy from her throwing up.
As a mother, when you hear that someone shared needles, saliva, God knows what else with your child, yet will let them die rather than coming into contact with their vomit, (vomit that included no partially digested food products, simply bile)…well, as a mother you want to force them to swallow every excrement you can imagine.
When the paramedics finally arrived, it was chaos and answers they so desperately needed to help save her, never came. The EMTs managed to get a weak pulse by the time they got her to the ambulance. What did this friend, aka her “angel of death” do? He and his accomplices of mercy spent the night NOT by her bedside or even at the hospital. While Kirstyn’s loved ones frenzied and shocked, frantically tried to reach her, they plotted. My beautiful, sweet daughter desperately clung to life as the jail tried to arrange for me to get there and for her brother to arrive from California. Where were they, her peace posse? They spent those agonizing hours getting rid of her belongings, including her cell phone, selling her pills for profit and partying . Getting high may actually have been understood given the circumstances, but no, they PARTIED.
All evidence was gone by the time law enforcement tried to pin some responsibility for his actions or lack of. I tried to reach out to them for answers . I tried to understand . I tried to experience through detail all my baby suffered that day. He would never allow it. They refused me answers then …and continue to deny me answers now. Though I’ve felt furious and confused, I’ve had to let go. I struggle with why but I had to let the self centered evil die with questions hanging. And why…? Keep reading…
The void her death left doesn’t narrow with time, but in fact widens with every passing day. Sometimes I can still hear the hauntingly beautiful sound of the solo vocalist, a friend of my son’s, as he sang Michael Jackson’s, “Gone too Soon”, while choking back tears at her memorial service. That moment feels so long ago… it wasn’t.
With the passage of time, the more awake I become. The numbing protected me from the finality of it all and as my soul’s senses are screaming alive, incredible discomfort of truth no one’s ever ready to face sets in. The reality that we will never get to enjoy the essence of the woman she would’ve become, weighs heavy on all of us. We will never get to see the love in her eyes for her own children… or see her play with her nieces or nephews as the child at heart she was. She had far too much potential never experienced to fathom… and it almost kills me. She brought light into my life with her birth and when her body left my world, it seemed the light she brought ME followed HER…
Yet..I know she isn’t gone, not really. She was transformed and though we can’t see her beauty with our earthly eyes in this realm or touch her soft skin, we feel her in our spirit as she lives on in all of us that loved her. She is revealed in the brother she loved so much, now “double” the force and evolving into an amazing human being . She gives peace and faith to Steve, Diane and his family and is a loyal guardian angel to him and all those who love and miss her still. She is my strength to carry the message of caution and hope to so many when I’d rather have given up and joined her …or simply rested in my darkness, comfortable with my grief and concerned for no one else.
Some days seem easier than others but it would only be because I push my memories or thoughts of her away in favor of semi sanity. But …no, I realize that’s not healing. It’s in fact really unhealthy because it means I’m running from the grief and that’s something I’ve done rather unsuccessfully, all my life. Kirstyn loved in spite of anger. She smiled despite her pain. She took risks without giving into her inherent fear. She forgave, favoring her heart and not her head. She complimented in lieu of criticism. She became a role model for me and an example to aspire to and until I can become the soul she was, I don’t dare give up…and neither do any of you. We have a spiritual obligation to continue her legacy of love and give her the voice we sorely miss. I will ensure Kirstyn is immortalized in a message of hope, endurance and faith for so many like her. A message that they are worthy of every wonderful thing and are stunning creations , because they are made in God’s likeness. This is certainly a fact Kirstyn now knows better than all of us. She’s in the better place, her mission complete here but continuing as inspiration for us all as while complete our own missions.
When I screened the documentary the government will be releasing In early January, I cringed a few times. Embarrassment didn’t factor at all but despair and regret did. I wanted to jump back in time and shake myself out of it… All I can do now is accept my brokenness and road to quasi redemption. Perhaps by showing all of you a map of wrongturns and hard lefts, I pray it affects you to a degree that you stop, come forward and leave your shame behind. I would give anything to have my child instead of a story. I dont want this story and neither do you.
So my daughter, until we meet again… my forever angel pie…we know you are cheering us on. I love and miss you and words fail the agony. I’d give anything to hear, see, touch you again.. . Comfort us and empower us to continue this journey until that dream becomes our reunion reality. ♡ I love you forever . .. Mommy