Before I knew it, I felt like something evil was living inside me, calling the shots…as I used to say, “driving my train.” It was then way beyond my control. There’s nothing scarier than watching your life—everything you want and need—get destroyed by the choices being made by you, but not REALLY you. It all seems unreal sometimes. Other times, it hurts so bad, and that’s the excuse you give yourself to use another day.
In treatment at one point in my hell, I felt like my life couldn’t get any worse, but I couldn’t find it within myself to figure out why I still couldn’t stop. I was told that when I reached my rock bottom, I would be ready. I thought to myself, what isn’t rock bottom about where I’m at right now? How could it get any worse? But let me tell ya, IT DID!
My story would be way too long if I included all the details of the hell I went through, so I’ll just say that I learned many powerful and tough lessons. I had so many negative things that directly corresponded with my heroin use that it became one of the key factors in my willingness to change. It began to make the drug undesirable in my thinking processes. Along with that, as I was also told in treatment, the pain of being an addict will become greater than the pain you have to endure to begin recovery. Most of us won’t stop using until we reach that point in our addiction. That idea by no means makes recovery easy, but it helps me stay motivated.
Today I’m a year and seven months clean. I began to piece my life back together with my family, my children and myself. One of the hardest things I’ve came across is the ability to forgive myself. Maybe one day I’ll get there. But it’s hard when there are things like time with my kids, that I can’t get back. I want to turn back the clock so bad, but it doesn’t matter. I may want my life back how it was before the use started, but I can’t have that either, so that’s a little hard to swallow sometimes when I wake up every morning. But, I am thankful that’s my past and I’m not in hell anymore. Even the worst thing I have to deal with today is far better than living another minute with a demon inside me.