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[ Personal Narratives ]

Fear + obsession = adrenaline

Here it is. My sixth, and hopefully, last time getting clean from heroin without a Heroin Detox. I’ve had sobriety before. I’d make it a few months then someone or something would provide me with the perfect “excuse” to relapse. I’ve got eight months this time plus everything I’ve always wanted! A family to call my own.

  I recently married my knight in shining armor. I have two beautiful stepdaughters, the perfect job with steady income. And soon we will be moving into our very own home. All I ever wanted was this life. I never really had a family of my own. You see, my mom was (and still is) a self-absorbed alcoholic. My biological Dad was (and still is) a crack addict and alcoholic. He was in and out of jail my whole life. Currently he’s in prison on his 9th DUI and possession charge. And last but not least, the man my mother married when I was two months old, the man I called Dad turned out not to be a man at all but a sick pedophile who would soon help me destroy my whole childhood.

   I left home at 16 to move in with my boyfriend at the time. The plus side of this, I was no longer being molested and beat two-three times a week. The negative impact… Heroin, my new abuser. The first time I was hooked and in love. It was my personal anesthetic. From then on I was in and out of Heroin Detox centers, And so began my seven year battle with addiction.

   Ok so fast forward to now. I’m sure your thinking “well no wonder you’re a heroin addict”. That life could drive anyone to use. And boy did I use like it was going out of style. Needless to say I caught a lot of charges. So I’m in recovery court, my last stop before 8-12 in prison. If I mess this up I’m done. I take vivitrol, a once a month injection of naloxone to help with the cravings. Like I said I’m clean and have the life of my dreams. Yeah there are still the crummy, rotten days. But for the most part things are great. I’m not a victim anymore. I’m a survivor. But this time, unlike any other time, I’m scared.

   I’m scared that I’m not good enough for my new family. I’m scared that I could lose everything I’ve built with one wrong move. But most of all I’m scared of the obsession of the adrenaline. The heart pounding, mouth watering, stomach turning adrenaline rush of chasing the dragon. Making that call, speeding down the highway to the other side of town. Hoping you don’t get pulled over and that your guy doesn’t leave before you get there. And you get there and of course you have to wait 30 more minutes because duh… He’s not going to tell you exactly where he is in case you might just be a narc. You finally get it and rush to the closest secure parking lot or fast food bathroom. Oh shoot!  You didn’t bring water with you! And there’s somebody outside the stall at the sink. Guess toilet water it is. Don’t worry, you’re boiling the water anyways so you’re killing all the germs… Right? Ugh!

  It’s not so much the high that I miss it’s the risk. For any addict reading this I’m sure you can relate, or maybe I’m just crazy and sick. Either way it’s there. It’s there when I wake up after my husband has gone to work and I’m all alone. It’s there anytime I’m driving my car that I’ve shot up in countless times, it’s there at night when I get anxiety of the day ahead and it’s in my dreams. A sick obsession. An obsession that drives me everyday to fully indulge in my recovery. The fear of this obsession is the thing that is driving me to be a better person everyday. To not give in, to not let everything I’ve overcome break me down into a million little pieces. To strive for a better life. That’s this obsession, this fear. 

   Everyday that I survive this obsession and I get through it, I get stronger. Each day is easier. Each day my self worth grows. Each day I’m that much closer to success. Each day I make a life worth living. Each day I make it, the closer I am to being a role model, a dream, I make it realistic for the addict still suffering to get clean. And if I can touch the heart of just one suffering addict and be the hope they need to turn it around. Then this fear and obsession is totally worth it in the end. 

   In the end I’m still a survivor!