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Heroin Scars

Heroin scars your body, your mind, your spirit, your family, your morals, your values, your physical appearance, and your soul. 

Heroin will take every single thing you love from you. It will destroy every aspect of your life. Destroying your dreams, beliefs, motivation, goals and sense of self. Heroin ran my life for many years and as I sit here today clean and finally living a new way of life I like to reflect on where I have come from. 

The second I forget the pain heroin caused in my life is the second my disease starts making it appealing again. 

Heroin brought me to the lowest of low, my rock bottoms had trap doors that made me fall even farther down. ‘Do you know what it feels like to kick heroin? Let me explain for those of you who have never experienced this disgusting illness. When heroin withdrawal sets in it starts off with a few sneezes, a few yawns, some cold sweats and chills over your entire body. 

Not so bad yet, right? Insomnia sets in, you could literally rip your skin off your body cause it so fucking uncomfortable to sit within your own skin that you start to punch your own legs. Oh yea, your legs start to hurt so bad that you ponder if you really need them to live the rest of your life anyways.

Soon you find yourself in the bathroom usually sitting on the toilet with a bucket in front of you because one little movement and you may bust out of both ends. Attractive right? Your entire body is in a panic because it’s literally in shock. At this moment you will sell your soul for just one more bag. You will slit the throat of anyone who tries to comfort you. You will rob, you will sell anything you can find, you will lay down with some old man who has just enough to spare to get you up to Newark to get a bundle.

 The walls start closing in, most likely you feel like you are climbing them. Everyone you love means nothing at this point unless they are giving you some dope because that’s all that actually matters. Mentally you are insane, physically you are equal to a frail 80 woman with the flu and spiritually you are completely dead because God doesn’t shoot dope into his veins. You scrape bags, you resoak cottons, anything you can break down and put into a needle will work but in the end nothing makes you feel better. 

It’s a never ending cycle. If you aren’t sick today, you will be tomorrow, there is no escaping this. 

If you sold all your belongings, you will manipulate, you will lie, you will beg, you will steal because who has time to be sick like this for days on end? When I am on heroin usually my prayers are to just overdose and die because I know I do not have the will power to push through this withdrawal. It’s easier to just be taken out then to deal with that. 

Heroin lands you into psych wards, detoxes, rehabs, hospitals, jails and if you are lucky enough to be freed of the pain you are usually 6 feet under.

I’ve wrote my experience with kicking heroin a million times before and I will continue to write about because being reminded of where exactly I have come from keeps me from every returning back to that dark, lonely place.

I never thought I would actually be relieved of my constant battle with addiction and the hope today is that I am indeed free. Recovery on any giving day can be one of the hardest obstacles I face because the reality of my disease is when the drugs are gone and the physical withdrawal is gone I am left with myself. 

A fucked up individual which used drugs to cope and deal with myself. I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. I’d do anything to get outside of myself. Drugs, alcohol, love, gambling, you name it and I can and most likely have been, addicted to it. 

Heroin was my answer to be able to sit with myself and feel okay. 

That’s pretty powerful to have that much self hated that the only way you ever feel alive is to basically engage in killing yourself. 

I always say ‘death was welcomed’ in my life, I was never scared of dying. I was the type to be scared of living. Today heroin is not my answer. I’ve found peace in my life and I can honestly sit by myself, within myself and feel more free and comfortable than I have ever felt. Some days in recovery are better than others and that is just how life goes. 

I am learning as each day passes, as my relationship with the universe and myself grow stronger, as I reach out and help the still sick and suffering addict, as I stay vigilant with my meetings, sponsorship, home group and step work, I get a little bit better. My disease on any given day will lie to me and tell me I am not deserving of this. That I will never make it and the things I have done are too much to be forgiven. My disease tells me that I am too broken to recovery. That no one needs me. That I have nothing good to say or share with anyone. My disease tells me I can not do this. My disease lies and just for today I won’t listen to it.

I have the choice today, I didn’t wake up dope sick so I have the ability to make a conscious decision to stay clean and feed and fuel positively my recovery or to negatively fuel my addiction. Today I pick recovery. 

Humans are fallible beings, we make mistakes, we are not perfect, we fall short but in recovery we learn how to deal with the losses with the same passion as we deal with the wins. I’ve watched people completely change their lives in the process. 

I have changed my life in this process. I’ve watched people walk into the rooms barely 100 pounds soaking wet, dope sick, homeless, completely spiritually broken and they turn into such amazing individuals. Buying houses, getting married, having children and most importantly they smile today. They have this amazing glow about that. A sense of peace and serenity. A sense of humility.

Give someone who came from so much pain and hurt a little bit of hope and a life beyond their wildest dreams and you will see an entirely different individual. A criminal turned into a productive member of society. Addicts are some of the most intelligent people I have ever met. It takes a lot for someone to take on the streets and survive them. Thats what I am today, a survivor, and my purpose for surviving all the over doses, robberies, prison bids, and endless illegal activities is to sit here today and share the hope that there is indeed a better way to live and you can live it.