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[ Personal Narratives ]

Hiding My Addiction, and My Recovery

I’ll just introduce myself as Bre. 

To think just five short years ago, I never thought I would be an addict. I never drank, I didn’t smoke pot, even the thought of drugs disgusted me. I was a good daughter to my parents, and sister to my siblings. I can remember the day that changed my life forever. 

The words “Just let her try she is a smart girl, she won’t get carried away” echoes in the back of my mind.

I never thought it would get that far so fast. Though I am now in recovery I know what they mean by once an addict always an addict. To this day it’s all I think about. 

A man who I once thought was perfect was the one who showed me this life, but I didn’t know what lurked in the shadows. When I first found out he did drugs I was mad, but I stayed. Maybe I was intrigued a bit.

As time went on it became appealing to me. Watching him feel so good, I wanted to feel like that too. So I started with a pill here and there and I loved it. 

Then BANG.. Just like that! It went from a Friday night thing to an every day thing. I was now on autopilot!

As time went on I found out he was shooting up, I was very upset, but again, I stayed and again I found myself tempted. One night after asking him to let me try he finally did. I fell in love right then and there! I never knew I could fall in love with an inanimate object so much, the way I would love a husband or family. I did though, I loved heroin; maybe even more than the others I mentioned. 

My relationship became extremely abusive shortly after but I was able to leave. Little did I know I was the farthest from free than I could ever be. My addiction kept spiraling out of control. I started dating my drug dealer. 

In fact, here’s a free tip for all of you: Don’t date your drug dealer.

At first it had it’s perks, i thought. Anything I wanted when I wanted, I thought I loved him but I now know it was the drugs I loved. I went from shooting up maybe every two days to five times a day. Pulling up the rinse in my spoon knowing nothing was there, but I was addicted to the needle as much as I was the drugs. I remember when i couldn’t get high anymore. I did more and more, but the good feeling lasted less and less. 

I lost so much weight and I was skinny to begin with, but when I was high I didn’t need to eat.

 I remember those who joined in with us told me “pretty girls like you shouldn’t be doing something like this.” 

It was hard watching my once beautiful and youthful face look more and more worn out every day, but getting waxed numbed it all. That was my favorite thing about it, being numb, not having to feel the pain my previous relationship caused. It became the excuse for the next two years of my drug addiction. 

After a year of saying I wanted to get clean but never trying; something snapped in me. I made a deal with myself that I’d stop using my needle after the weekend, and somehow I did!

The withdrawal was horrible, I never had to deal with it before. I always had enough supply since the start of my addiction. I never thought it could be so horrible, I never knew I would have seizures or that It would take 6 months for me to start feeling “normal” again. I’m glad I stopped. I am so thankful I did though.

Only a handful of people know even a portion of my story. I always kept it a secret, and I think I always will. 

Though many suspected I’ll never confirm. It felt amazing to type this out for y’all, I haven’t told my whole story to a single soul.

 I hope this gives you hope that sobriety isn’t impossible. I hope if you’re still using you read this and get clean. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. Its about time you can too.