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[ Personal Narratives ]

Hope for the Prisoners of Heroin

My intention for this article is to spread hope to anyone feeling defeated, hopeless or lost. If you have read my articles prior you know I write with vulnerability and honesty. You also should be aware I am not an educated man when it comes to writing, having said that I write with passion, I do not have anyone edit my articles or modify in anyway, what you see is my true self and my views on addiction.

I no longer hold my head down and stigmatize myself as a junky, today I am a son, father, husband, brother and a friend! I have 4 beautiful children an amazing wife and the career of my dreams. I go home every single day after work to be there for my family. Yes, a home, I actually have a home with clothes in the dresser, food in the fridge and electric lighting up smiling faces. A lot of people look at me with a crooked grin and wonder why I am so grateful for things like this, why I appreciate running water and getting to lay in a bed at night. It is quite simple really, over 26 months ago I was lucky to find a couch to crash on, I once lived off bread crumbs and the neighbor’s hose water. When my parents weren’t having to watch their son detoxing in their spare bed room I was living in a spacious truck, supplied with cool ac and leg room. I was content. The seat belt was long enough to wrap my arm, center console supplied plenty of room for my needles and bags, and the window tint just dark enough to hide me from the world. Lets not forget the 129 deaths on a daily basis from drug overdose. Lets not forget as you are reading this article 10 more people will have died due to this disease. I sat with men and women to whom overdosed next to me as I would pick their pockets and steal the same drug that killed them. I remember looking at them wishing it was me, I envied them. The fact I had to live another day hostage to this drug was nothing short of hell. I always said I must have really messed up in my past life because I’m in hell. There was nothing sexier and more appealing than not waking up after a hit.

To an active addict the word fear doesn’t exist, the mindset when sick and craving for the drug left me with one motive, survival. No matter who, what or how, I found a way to survive. Don’t be misled please, I’m not talking about getting food and water, a bed to sleep in, no I’m talking about robbing, lying, stealing, cheating and manipulating my family and closest of friends. looking into their tear filled eyes knowing they were supporting my death. My grandmother found her son, my uncle dead in his home, his 3 sons had no idea daddy wasn’t sleeping but had passed. To this day she is traumatized by that day, I had this woman go get me oxycotin after hours of manipulating and lying about going to get help. I had this woman, my grandmother not only go buy but also hand me the same drug that killed her son. I sniffed those pills in front of my daughters mother, watched her hold my daughter with tears flowing down her face and my only concern was getting all this powder up my nose so I no longer felt sick! Tell me any human being with a heart can sit there and say this is a choice. Once caught in this vicious cycle there is nothing relevant to getting the drug. I get very frustrated at times and have to remind myself that not everyone is educated nor want to be on addiction. We are stigmatized as bad people, losers, druggies and dead beats. Tell a person with autism or dual diagnosed they are these things and you will see a much different response. Agree with me or not this is a physical allergy and mental disease. Anyway rant over and I don’t want to lose your attention. Having said that, please understand that you do have a choice, and a decision to make. All of you reading this that may be in active addiction we both know its no longer about that warm, exotic feeling of the first time we shot up, no we can agree that the fun left us a long long time ago and its a matter of feeling normal and not sick. And for all of you that aren’t active drug addicts, yes we get to a point where the drug no longer gives us a high rather it makes us physically able to get up, go to work, play with our kids, or even eat. All this bullshit, prisoner to heroin stuff can stop and can stop TODAY!!!!

No one can force a bottom or sobriety on anyone. I’m sure if you gave families one wish, it wouldn’t be money, clothes, or even world peace, it would be the ability to get their child clean and sober. This is a power unfortunately us as families and advocates will never hold. Yet! We can encourage hope. I tell my stories not to tell my story, but to possibly reach one or two people that can relate and get some hope out of what ive been through. My story is no different, better or worse than a lot of people, but It is my story and this once hopeless, homeless needle driven addict is now not only clean but living a life beyond my wildest dreams. Wouldn’t you like to wake up one day and your biggest decision was what to wear, or what to eat for breakfast? Wouldn’t you like to wake up and not have to figure out who you were going to rob, steal and lie to. Because lets get real, that shit takes more energy and work than any 9 to 5 I have ever seen. You have a decision.

The day I last used was May 14th 2014, on that day I wrote goodbye letters to my kids and family. I remember the warm feeling of death flowing through my veins as I attempted suicide. I remember the feeling of gratitude that I was about to die and I wasn’t going to hurt anyone anymore, I did have to see my kids cry anymore. My parents will now sleep at night. God stepped in that day and disrupted my death with a vengeance. After that day I realized I had a purpose, it took me awhile to know what that was but I knew it was something. I will never forget that day, I will always look at that day as my rebirth, the day I stepped out and God stepped in. YOU and only you can make the decision, once you have made the decision to get clean, brace yourself. Your about to experience life at all its levels. You will feel again, you will start to discover a person you never knew existed. Imagine waking up, looking in the mirror and saying, “well damn I look and feel great today, I hope theres enough time to get done all the stuff I have to do!” Sound crazy? Tell me about it, the only time I ever looked into any mirror was to sniff a line of coke or Percocet. Your life can and will change. You must make this decision for you, not mom, dad, wife, kids but you and you alone. Yes this is a selfish turned selfless way of life but I promise you everything you ever loved and everything you want in your life, it will at some point come, and you will be present to enjoy them. You will someday look into your kids eyes and start crying with gratitude. You will visit mom and dad and laugh with them, most importantly you will hold a gift like no other. You will be able to help the thousands out there needing that one person to believe in them.

Once you make the decision to get clean, you are no longer powerless and living in a hopeless state of mind. You are now on your way. You have bailed yourself out of Heroin’s prison and you never have to go back. Freedom from active addiction is available to anyone willing enough to take a suggestion. Active or not, families affected by this disease I love you all, I pray I may help some of you in any way I can. There are double the amount of people finding a solution than there are dying. If you have lost a loved one please reach out to a family support group, I know many and I will help in anyway I can to get you to sleep a full night. God bless

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