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[ Personal Narratives ]

Hope vs. Faith



I came from a good family; my father was a man of integrity and a very hard working man. We attended church every Sunday and I had a pretty much normal child hood with the exception that when my older sister was 16 she moved out and was a drug addict; I am happy to report that she has been clean for almost 10 years. I always told myself I would NEVER touch drugs.

My addiction started in 1990 when I was prescribed opiates due to a work related accident, although prior to that I had many other problems in my life such as gambling addiction, alcohol and early teen experimentation with various drugs.

 Most all of my family members are addicts of some form or the other. I have had many horrific incidents that have happened to me due to my addiction. I lost my youngest son Tyler to Foster Care, I have damaged every major organ in my body which includes my heart I have both valves damaged due to bacterial infection from IV drug use, I also have liver damage, Hep-C and permanent brain damage (cognitive). My sister came to my house and found me delirious and naked and took me to the emergency room and from the Intensive Care Unit was then placed in a rest home due to one of many of the bacterial infections. At that time no one knew if I would live or die. I had to be totally rehabilitated. I had to learn to use utensils, write, talk, walk – it is a MIRACLE that I am sitting here at my computer writing this to you. I am losing my will to live due to my addiction as I only merely exist.

Some examples of how my addiction is affecting my life currently are that I find it very difficult to forgive myself for all the past mistakes I have made and all of the relationships with my children and the rest of my family that I have ruined and/or hurt due to my abusing drugs. I was isolated for years and neglected my responsibilities as a mother. I feel shame and guilt constantly due to losing my youngest son to Foster Care; I cannot even bring myself to look at any old pictures of him without falling apart inside. Due to my addiction I have permanent brain damage that affects my memory; therefore it is a struggle for me but I am determined to change my life. My addiction also left me without money that I needed to do much repairs on my house, etc.

Despite my desperate cry for help to get clean and sober again due to no financial resources here is more of a better insight into my Rx drug abuse. In 2010 I was finally clean and sober after nearly dying several times; it is a miracle that I am still alive. Drug addiction is a very serious disease and the addiction to prescription drugs is astronomical. I am a 54 yr. old woman with a giant monkey on my back… I am an IV drug user and can’t stop. I am killing myself and the sick thing is that I realize this and CAN’T stop using. I want help to get clean and am begging for it. I have sent several letters, emails, etc., and at one point was going to appear on the Dr. Phil show but then received a call that his show was on a hiatus and I would not be appearing. In spite of the fact that I have relapsed I have not GIVEN UP. I just exist instead of living like I so desperately want to do is LIVE. I don’t leave my house, I stay in my robe 24/7 and the saddest thing ever is my 21 yr. old beautiful, brilliant son who now lives with me and watches my demise. I have been using for many years and got clean on suboxone for about 2 yrs., and started to self-sabotage just when my son was coming home after he was in foster care for 9 yrs. due to my drug use. During the last 15+ yrs., I have had endocarditis several times with the tube going into my throat administering 6 weeks of antibiotics, and then I ended up with a bad infection that traveled to my brain, liver and other organs. My sister found me naked and delirious and took me to the hospital where I stayed there and was transferred to a nursing home not able to read, write, and use eating utensils.. I had to be totally rehabilitated. After coming home I continued to work on obtaining my BA in Liberal Studies with my Associates in Addiction Counseling (how ironic), I graduated in 2010 after taking 20 years of never giving up. I was working on my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling thinking I am going to get clean, healthy, help others and watch my youngest son graduate from college and go on for his Doctorate but have since quit working on the degree. I WANT TO LIVE and I don’t know where to turn to get clean. I do believe that my story would be a very powerful one to tell and my sister could fill in the blanks that I can’t remember due to the brain damage that occurred from the infection. I hope and pray that I will get the help I need very soon as I do not want to die from this horrific disease, I want to feel joy again and enjoy my family and live out the rest of my years happy & with a sense of accomplishment.

God Bless,