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[ Personal Narratives ]

Now I Can See

As we get older many physical changes take place in our lives. For example: As we age, we start to lose our eye sight. This is the inevitable. My mother had great vision as I was growing up. Eventually we would go out to dinner with her and have to start reading the menu aloud so that she could order. I am not sure how long she had been struggling with these aging vision problems. It’s a condition that slowly deteriorates over time and goes almost unnoticed. 

She kept putting it off until enough was enough and had to make a decision to go to the optometrist and get her vision checked. Once she had put on those glasses for the first time in her life, It was like she could see everything again. All the bright colors, all the words, and all the beautiful things in life that she was missing out on. It made her look back and say “SHIT” how in the hell did I ever go so long without these damn things? 

I am 31 years old and my sight has been diminishing in an other use of the term, for 13 years my sight was clouded because of the choices I made. Not just my vision, but my whole perception. I was able to see but everything was distorted. I had even been to the optometrist (Rehab) multiple times, but I would fake the test and act like I could see everything clearly. I was in denial of my poor vision. I did whatever it took to not have to be one of those people that had to put those glasses on. If I couldn’t see, I was able to make excuses for my actions and poor decisions. After multiple visits to jail, losing my home, wrecking my cars, divorce, killing my family emotionally, visits to the hospital on my death bed, and rehab, I decided that enough was enough.  I seemed to be crashing into things head on.

NOW I CAN SEE! “SHIT!!” How in the hell did I go so long without putting those damn glasses on? I thought I was happy with my house, wife, cars, and jobs..

NOW I CAN SEE that these where just materialistic things to make me look happy and feel like a normal being of society. I thought that my relationship with my ex-wife was true love. NOW I CAN SEE that it was a relationship based around true love of drugs, alcohol, and partying. I thought that joining the military would put me on a pedestal and show how disciplined and strong I was. 

NOW I CAN SEE that this was a simple way to cover up my weaknesses. I thought that going out drinking and being the center of attention would make me a cool guy with tons of friends. NOW I CAN SEE that it was just my burning desire to be accepted by people that do not truly care for me and that it gave me a false sense of security. I thought that my family was judgmental and not cool because they did not approve of my lifestyle. 

NOW I CAN SEE that I was the one being judgmental and pushed them away so that I did not have to deal with them. I thought that by giving to those around me it would show how caring of a person I was. 

NOW I CAN SEE that I was the most selfish person in my life. 

Today… I ride a bicycle, work an average job, have a fulfilling relationship with my family, and live life on life’s terms. Everyday is not perfect nor is my life.  

BUT!!!                                                         

NOW I CAN SEE what I have been missing out on for so long. 

NOW I CAN SEE myself in the mirror.  

NOW I CAN SEE my thoughts. 

NOW I CAN SEE how much pain I’ve caused my family.

NOW I CAN SEE how much I took life for granted. 

NOW I CAN SEE light at the end of the tunnel. 

NOW I CAN SEE what being happy really means. 

NOW I CAN SEE anything that my heart desires. 

NOW I CAN SEE YOU SMILE MOM!!

I MAY NOT LIKE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I SEE.

BUT AT LEAST…. 

NOW I CAN SEE!!!



  

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