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[ Personal Narratives ]

I Don’t Like You

I shock people. Frequently the things I say are barely acceptable.

I have Aspergers. Well, I am on the “scale” and I can function. Conditioning and help have improved my social skills. But I will never be normal.

It is always painful to acknowledge that I do not have friends. Most of my family keep their distance as well.

If I do not remember that it is not ok to say certain observations my words can stab them in their heart and egos. “You are a lot bigger this year”. “Your teeth are yellow.” “I hope if you two get married you don’t have kids.”

Yeah, I said these things and they are all true. I didn’t mean any harm or to cause any pain. I really didn’t think I was saying anything wrong.

I have learned that I am awful in whispers and when they are talking behind my back. I learned I am a “bitchy freak” and that “They could say so many worse things about me but they never would stoop so low”.

Then, for the rest of the time I am around family/people I am avoided. I can try to talk to someone but they have to “go do something” right away.

My visits home are infrequent. And we are never invited to dinners or parties. People don’t want to be hurt.

In AA not being around people is considered isolating.

There must be an exception to this rule. I could trigger someone to drink.

Putting myself around members of AA and knowing I am, at anytime going to say something offensive is stressful. There are so many possible “observations” that within one meeting have crossed my mind. I knew not to speak in case I say something regrettable. But, the closer I get to people, the more comfortable, the more my guard goes down and then WHAM.

I have gone a long time without personal connections. It will always hurt. I have to remember that if someone really knew me and knew my heart (like my husband) they might accept me. I am not evil. I am not liked for a reason but not for “who” I am.

It is a struggle to remind myself and believe this at times.

Drinking and using was something I did alone and it helped me not feel sorry for myself heck, I didn’t feel. I yearn not to feel. I was content.

My boys force me to be alive. They do not know it, but I am a better person because of them. I want to be sober and available because of them. They force me to have courage.

So my connections in life are my husband and boys. It is enough, it has to be enough.

They are my sobriety.