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[ Personal Narratives ]

I Hate Myself

* Editor’s note: Dear “TorturedHeart” we couldn’t let you post this without a response, so below your entry please read our heart filled thoughts. We encourage others to comment at the bottom of this page, as most of us know some resemblance of this feeling*

Hate. I wish this word was not a part of my dictionary, but it is something I live with daily. This word consumes me, at times, in so many ways. I hate that I am an addict but pretending I am normal. I hate that I have been taking suboxone as part of a “recovery” for almost 4 years and cannot stop.

I hate that I am living with a “partner” that loves heroin more than he loves me. I could go on and on. I feel so tortured everyday in my life. I don’t feel like a real person anymore. It feels like I’m trying to drag my soul up from the bottom of a hole, but I just can’t make it. 

Truth is, I feel lost and alone. If I’m going to be real honest with myself, I could say I have always been alone. I have never had the family support most people have. I have never had that person to guide me and show me the way. I do not have a partner that would do anything for me or that loves me unconditionally. 

It is a hard struggle when you realize you have no one to see you through to the top of the hole your trying to dig out of. I keep thinking “my life will be different one day. I can do this….one day.” 

I’m waiting patiently for my life to change. It just hasn’t happened once again, I am back to that awful word. Hate. 

I’m not sure if I will ever stop hating myself for what I am. I may never stopping hating the man I had my beautiful daughter with because he chooses heroin over us. I cannot forgive because I have so much hate in my heart. I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive. Forgive myself for the life I have chosen. Forgive this man for all his sins. Forgive my mother for not being a mother but a drug addict who was never “really there”. Forgive my father for living an hour away but never coming by. Maybe one day…maybe one day I will move on with my life and hate will leave my soul. All I can do is wait and hope this will not always consume me.

From the editor:

Dear “TorturedHeart”, 

My love. I have been where you are, certainly our circumstances are unique but I have hated myself too. I have been so full of rage and anger that I thought I could never love or forgive again.

I’ve stood in a similar situation as you. And what I can tell you, is that it can get better. It is possible for your life to turn in a direction you could not even imagine. It is possible to love yourself, to forgive yourself. To leave situations that cause unhappiness.

There will be people who will make you feel less alone. There are people who can walk you through this pain. And, all I can really tell you is you are not alone. Not at all. There are so many people who have felt the way you do and who currently feel the way you do. They are scared. They don’t want to ask for help. They don’t know how.

I see your pain and my heart breaks for you. But, I promise you, as someone who has walked through similar situations and feelings, that it can get better. It can get much, much better. There is always hope. Please continue to use this community, we are here to help you climb out of that hole. 

With Love,

Your AddictionUnscripted Family