Written By Kristin T.
I know that you feel hopeless. I know you feel like you are going to be stuck this way forever. I know your confidence is shot. I’ve been there.
I’d struggled for so long trying to get my sobriety to stick. I would always relapse after a short period of time. Laying in bed at night, hoping that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
I felt lost. I felt worthless. I felt like I was going to be stuck in active use until it killed me.
I had tried almost every kind of treatment, multiple times. In and out, of rehab, like a revolving door. I would always relapse when I got home, eventually I just quit going and stopped wasting their time. I was on and off suboxone. It worked until I discovered I could trade/sell them for dope. Everything led back to dope.
My conscious kept telling me to go to NA meetings, I didn’t… and to be honest, I still don’t like NA. It works for some, but it wasn’t going to work for me. I’m not religious, I don’t believe in a higher power. I took what I could from the meetings but I felt out of place.
I felt like I was a lost cause and nothing was going to help me.
But there was a part of me that wanted more for myself, it was a tiny part, but it was there. In the back of my mind whispering “Kristin you are so much better than this, I know you can do it. Try again”.. I tried to deafen my ears to the voice that kept telling me to go back, but you can’t shut off the voices in your mind. I finally gave in, I went back.
I always say my brain was divided into two parts, the addict, and the real Kristin. The real Kristin was still in there, screaming for help. I would get high and look in the mirror & the real Kristin would say “You deserve better than this.” After numerous attempts to get clean, I decided to try going to the methadone clinic , and guess what? My sobriety FINALLY stuck! I go to drug counseling twice a month, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist for my Bipolar disorder. Things started to get better. All those times I tried to get clean and couldn’t. I felt like I failed so many times, but really the only way you fail is if you quit trying.
As I type these words on my keyboard, I am doing so with only one thing in mind… To tell you there Is hope for you. You can be happy. You can be the person you’ve always wanted to be. I wont lie, it’s going to be hard sometimes, and some things just take good ole fashioned time. I now have 5 years of continuos sobriety. But I still remember how lost I used to feel. I never thought I could have the life I have now.
I thought happiness was something I would never find. Now I know that happiness is something that comes from within you. I sabotaged my life in the past. I fought for recovery. Anything that’s good is worth fighting for, you must learn to embrace the struggle, there is light just around the corner. You are never too lost to be saved. Please keep trying.