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[ Personal Narratives ]

I Miss Heroin

I wrote this in April of 2016. I just left a 30 day rehab after a brutal relapse that caused serious damage. I am hoping by  sharing this that it may help others in early recovery .

By Emily Gammel 

I have a confession to make. . I have tried to push it deep down in attempts to ignore and overcome it, but I can’t any longer. 

I’m in recovery and I’ve spent much of my time reassuring every one in my life that I’m completely over drugs, that my days of getting high are a thing of the past. But some days,  like today I can’t help but obsess about heroin.

So here goes my attempts to be honest, and no longer let my secrets take the wheel and drive my disease out of remission.

The truth is that I miss heroin. I miss heroin so much, and I hate that I do. I can’t help but romance the feelings of vast relief heroin gives me. The way my troubles slowly melt the moment the needle breaks the skin. I miss the way the tension carried in my shoulders immediately relaxes, they drop. I can breathe again, I can close my eyes and the chaos and disorderly noise in my head fades, until there is nothing but silence. God, do I miss a quiet mind. ….The healthy side of me reminds me to play the tape through, and I do. I tell myself this won’t end well, it never does. Yet playing the tape through every hour is draining! This tape is worn out. Truthfully, I want to smash it.

Everyone that loves me is already waiting for me to fail, I can’t blame them. It isn’t that far fetched, given the thirty plus times I’ve been to detox and other treatment facilities. However, this time I desperately want to recover. I want recovery and I also want to get high. This probably sounds ridiculous, but as an addict,  it  makes complete sense to me. I want to get high to achieve the short fleeting 10 seconds of bliss that I feel in the presence of heroin.

I also want  to be the mother my children deserve. I want to live life. I want to go to  apple picking in the fall, and sit on the beach, entranced with the sounds of waves crashing in the summer. I’ve been dancing with this devil for far too long, and I want to sit this dance out.  

So what can I do? I hate to say it as  seems so overly simplistic, but the ONLY thing that has worked for me thus far is to take it One day at a Time. I tell myself in times like these to just wait, hold on. If I feel this bad tomorrow, then I can use. The idea of only having to feel this pain temporarily,  keeps me from ripping and running.  

I don’t want to hide away my feelings anymore. I want to be able to express the complexity of thoughts and desires I feel,  that are caused by my addiction to Heroin 

I want to speak my truths I’ve been concealing. I just want to scream out “I miss getting high!” without sounding the alarms. I know that early recovery is an emotional journey with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I’ve experienced that pink puffy cloud recovering addicts talk about. However, with clouds come rain, and storms. Storms that have really angry strong winds that almost knock off us our feet. We need to hold tight, as we too have strengths, some that haven’t been revealed just yet, but in time. 

It’s cliché but I’ve learned to wait those storms out,  until they pass. They always do. It’s about weathering  them a day at a time. After all, seasons change and so can I.