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[ Personal Narratives ]

I Thought This Was My Bottom

Landing in a psych ward, overdosing, a failure to commit suicide, stealing a rehab van, living in an abandoned house, I would of though that any of those things would have been my bottom…

August 19th 2015, I left my treatment center in Corona California because I wanted to get high. I along with another girl threatened the staff into giving us our belongings and then went on our marry way throughout the streets of Corona, carrying five suitcases with us. Looking back on it now I realize how lucky we were, completely ignorant to our situation and our surroundings we had no idea that Corona California was known for sex trafficking!

The first thing I did was ask an old man to buy me alcohol. You could tell he was a user, he was one of those people you don’t look at below the eyes, his entire face was caved in from years of smoking meth. When he came back with my beer he also came back with, meth.

By the end of the night I ended up in a shack, in the middle of a junkyard smoking meth non-stop. I have done a lot of drugs but no other drug ever effected me like this one. I became paranoid, I started coming up with plans that I believed to be genius, I was literally wigged out of my mind. Everyone else fell asleep round 3 or 4 in the morning, but I sat up, wide awake for ours. The thoughts that raced through my mind were utterly horrifying and that’s when I decided, I was either going to kill myself or go back to treatment. But no matter what I couldn’t go on living a life like this.

My thoughts continued to race, I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. How the hell did I end up here? Five years prior to this I was a God fearing, young girl who was the lead singer of her youth group. I felt completely broken and disgusted with myself. I was, at this point a shell of a person, spiritually bankrupt, drugs had taken everything away from me.

August 20th I decided to go back to treatment. I had this weird, knowing feeling that I was going to stay sober. When everyone woke up I told the girl I had left with that I was going back to treatment. She accused me of abandoning her and begged me not to go. We walked to the gas station to get something to drink and the whole way there she begged and begged me not to leave her. At this time three hundred dollars had dropped into my account (by my parents who believed I was still safe and sound in my treatment center) for my birthday. The girl knew I had this money and begged me to use it to buy drugs, when I refused to buy drugs or even alcohol, she told me I was crazy and that there was no way I was a “real addict”. I didn’t care I was never touching another drink or drug for the rest of my life!

I took an uber back to the main campus of Solid Landings (my previous treatment center), and I begged them to take me back! They did take me back, and I had never felt so grateful in my entire life.

The next week I avoided mirrors as much as possible, refused to spend anytime alone, and asked if they were going to kick me out about every ten minutes because I was scared to death to go back out again. So I did what I was told and worked a program to the best of my ability. I had the gift of desperation and this carried me well into my sobriety. I couldn’t imagine ever forgetting those gut-wrenching feelings of wanting to die, not being able to look at myself in the mirror because I hated me that much. I never wanted to feel like that again.

By the time I had hit my year mark I had moved back to South Florida, where I had initially began my recovery journey. I was so happy, I felt like I was worth something, I felt like I wasn’t a failure anymore. The thing that made me the happiest was when my mother came down and presented me with my one year medallion.

My mother was so proud! This woman had stayed up countless nights, scared to death something terrible was going to happen to me. I put her through absolute hell! I finally felt like I wasn’t a disappointment to her. I felt like I was on top of the world, at this point I literally felt invincible, nothing could happen to me, in my head there wasn’t a force in the world that could take my sobriety away… I was wrong.

Two months after I received my year, I somehow got sidetracked. I quit doing what I was supposed to do to stay sober. I quit sponsoring girls and giving back to the program that had saved my life. I wouldn’t even go to my AA meeting. When people would call me out I would think to myself, I have a year and a half sober, I don’t have to do those things anymore, I’m fine.

I’m fine, quickly turned into I’m better than “you people”, and I don’t need anyone, which quickly turned me into a dry drunk who was all alone without a program or a support group.

Then it came, my inevitable relapse. I threw away a year and a half of sobriety! At first I hated myself, all of those terrible feelings came rushing back. How the hell did I end up back here again? How did I forget how terrible this feeling was? I didn’t even want to come back to the program, I wanted to lock myself in my room and never come back.

But I didn’t! I am trying! I have feelings of self-doubt, misery and disappointment constantly. I am still very angry with myself and I feel irritable non-stop, all the feeling of early sobriety have come rushing right back! But the love and support I have and the knowledge that this program truly does work and can give me a life beyond my wildest dreams is keeping me strong, it’s what is pushing me forward! I won’t quit! I won’t give up! Today I have 25 days sober and I am so grateful, it may not be a year and a half, but even having a day is a miracle for this alcoholic/addict.

My name is Whitney and I’m an alcoholic and an addict, and I’m starting over!

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