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[ Personal Narratives ]

I’ll Get Clean Next Week, I Keep Telling Myself

I cant for the life of me figure out why I have been gifted so many chances to repurpose my life and find my footing.  I went to my first and only rehab when I was 21.  It didn’t work, I acknowledged that but I never tried again.  If I’m exceptionally good at something it’s barely functioning , yet still functioning in everyday life.  

My story isn’t one of a habit that consumed my life , sure there was lies and there was stealing. But I somehow mange to fly just enough under the radar that no one knows about my secret demons.  They know they used to haunt me, but they don’t know they still creep in the dark corners of my life.  I’ve died and came back to life 6 times with the help of EMS staff.  I’ve given myself sepsis with a dirty needle. Didn’t own up to it in the hospital. Almost died because I didn’t admit I had a problem.  

I’ve lost jobs because I wouldn’t admit my falling asleep at work had anything to do with anything illegal.  Been arrested 7 times .  Always just let off with a fine.  Each arrest just far enough from the previous one that it always appeared to each court it was my first time getting in trouble . So a slap on the wrist.  

Now I’m on my way to the next bad decision.  I put the whole burden on my fiancé who’s the only one who knows I am dabbling.  And every week I promise I don’t need detox , every week I promise I will get a week clean no subs no dope to go on the vivatrol shot that would block my brain’s opiate receptors from being able to get “high”. 

My family is celebrating the 6 months of clean time they think I have, with promises of buying me a new car and sending me to school .  I let them tell me how proud they are of me . But I swear, this will either be the week I’m able to get back in vivatrol , or who knows , maybe it will be the week I’ll try using just one more time .  That’s been my trap in addiction, I never saw it coming and yet I still have an optimistic view of what a bright future I can have. It feels so close I feel I can reach out and grab it,  I hope my arrogance hasn’t made it so that dream is already behind me.