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[ Personal Narratives ]

I’m Not A Loser, I’m One In A Million

I honestly don’t know where to start. Should I explain how I was an athlete and honor roll kid the whole time? I was raised with every opportunity available, and the most loving family ever. So how did I become a loser, you say?

I’m not! I’m one in a million who made it through to the other side. Stop treating me like a Black Plague and realize I grew up. I made a huge mistake and committed myself to turning everything around. You have no idea what hard work is till you have to prove yourself everyday to everyone around you, including yourself.

hand in jail

Regrets Can’t Run Your Life

I used to hang my head in shame of the decisions I made and the mistakes I would live with for the rest of my life. When you are actively using, the last thing you are thinking of is how this will affect your life 5, 10, or 15 years from now. All you care about is that one fix to get you out of feeling like killing yourself, to make your body stop withdrawing. You are not tough for withdrawing in jail without detox medicine. Sure does give you some thick skin though.

Suicide Is Not An Option

Have you ever sat down with every pill you could find and contemplate taking your own life to end the suffering you caused yourself? I don’t know why it happened, but I thought of my family who would find me. How devastating this would be for them. Sad to say, I didn’t turn my life around after this moment either. Three more years. I tortured myself and loved ones.

Addiction Is A Family Disease

My whole family dreaded the phone call or knock on the door that said I was dead. I still can’t remember caring about my own life when all of this was happening, let alone my family and friends who were hurting from this. I 100% believed I was the only one suffering and that no one else had any right to try and be sad over my issue.

I don’t know what I was thinking, to be honest with you. That I was invincible? Maybe. Lucky? Definitely not. Dumbass? Yup.

The electric fence at Auschwitz concentration camp, Oswiecim, Poland.

Time To Turn It Around

Have you ever talked to someone who completely turned their life around and made it look easy? No, me either. I hardly know anyone who has got their life together after drugs. Me, I guess. But I’m figuring it out one day at a time. And it sure wasn’t easy at all. I finally committed so many crimes to support my habit that I landed myself in jail. Not for a quick 6-month bid or anything. (As you can tell, I had been in and out a few times.) They gave me chances to get my crap together. I just thought I was getting away with it. Then, BOOM. 5 years in jail, serving 3 minimum with 5 years probation. I wish I had a diaper on that day when reality finally set in that it’s life or death now. I’m going to be clean for 3 years straight, no matter what. I was furious. Again, I was contemplating suicide because I was so scared of dealing with the reality of my actions.

Getting Sober in Solitary, For Good

I struggled a lot that first year. A LOT. From panic attacks, emotional meltdowns, physical altercations, disobedience toward staff, depression, suicidal thoughts, guilt, resisting help, and a fair amount of time in solitary. I did learn how to process my emotions while alone for 23 hours a day. Things I should’ve learned as a child I was teaching myself, alone in a cell, how to be a functioning member of society so I would never be in the situation I was then. I would watch and analyze those who continued to come in and out of prison. They weren’t trying, or at least I didn’t think so. They would come in for a few months preaching how they were going to change this time and do the right things, blah blah blah. They were always back within a few months doing the same song and dance each time. I refused to be that way. I didn’t want anyone looking at me like I looked at these ladies. I learned a lot of lessons. My biggest one is patience. It’s the key to my sanity.

Woman praying and free bird enjoying nature on sunset background

Stay Tough, Stay Clean

I’m now clean five years. I’m a wife and a mom who never had child services involved because I pulled my life together before bringing a life into this world with my husband. You would never look at me and think any of the things I did was actually me. It’s not because I’m lucky, it’s because I’m a tough ass person who didn’t crack when things got tough. I pushed through and calmly took on every challenge. Unfortunately for me, I had to learn things the hard way, but in a way it’s made me an all around better person in every aspect of my life. I’m a true believer of everything happens for a reason, just be patient it will show itself to you when the time is right.