I’ve been holding my breath. Waiting to exhale. In the beginning I would believe my son. This time he was going to get better, do better, stay better. In the beginning I would exhale and believe him. The first time, I believed. Second time, I knew in my heart it was real this time. Third time, this HAD to be the time. He said all the right things. I believed wholeheartedly that this time was really it. After all, I know this guy. I know his heart. I know him more than I’ve ever known anyone. I’ve seen his potential. I know how smart and kind and funny his. This time was the time. The last time.
Sadly I’ve been through more last times then I can count. I can’t even tell you how many times he’s been in jail. I don’t know the amount of money that we have put on his books so he could call and promise again that he had changed. I couldn’t say how many times his meth addiction has ruined me emotionally, financially and mentally.
I went through years of feeling like I was living his hell. I wasn’t living his exact hell but I sure was going through hell. If I’m honest, I still am. I walk on eggshells supporting him when he’s sober. I don’t want him to relapse and he makes it a point to tell me that one wrong word from me could send him back to drugs. He can cuss, yell and say awful things because he’s an addict. And then just as fast as he was mad, he’s sorry. He’s sorry for acting that way and he will hit a meeting and talk about it. He will do better, be better. I just have to be patient and try to understand he says.
Mean while, I can’t breath. I can’t argue with him about anything. He might relapse. I can’t support him too much. I am an enabler.
I can’t breathe. Will I ever exhale?
I’m still in the daily struggle with my sons addiction and recovery. I still hope that he will stay clean. I still love him. I will always be his biggest cheerleader and sadly, likely, his biggest enabler. Because as his mother, I can’t quit. I can’t stop loving him. I won’t stop believing in him. I just don’t know when I’ll ever really breath again. Love is forever and so is his addiction.