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[ Personal Narratives ]

Introverted Recovery: beauty and nothingness

They are becoming a vital part of my recovery.

The first year sober of alcohol was just a detox time full of frustrations, fear, health problems, some of which still persist. I had no idea how dull my senses had become. Alcohol has completely monopolized my pleasure where it was the only choice for years. Stopping drinking felt like saying no to happiness. Wait how can I survive? Getting sober to me was choosing a massive amount of pain over that little pleasure that was occasionally still there during “good nights drunk”.

I had never committed myself to something that I thought I could never achieve. At this point, nothing can take my sober days away from me, even if relapse occurs. It blows my mind to think about the level of my obsession to drink. There were times when I didn’t want to drink anymore, but yet I forced myself to do it. As time goes on, it becomes apparent that alcohol itself was just a part of my addiction. I felt like I was born to drink every drop of beer there is on this planet. Satisfying my enormous obsession through drinking ritual was as dope. It became the center of my life. My life was alcohol and to think that I can break away is naive. I can pretend all I want but drinking was the only thing I ever wanted for years and it was always there for me despite all hangovers and withdrawals, including ambulance calls. It was there for me without any judgment. It didn’t care who I was. What social ladder, failed efforts and deeper desires? Inadequacies, part of me is still a victim, but I am learning…

Relief in nothingness

My favorite time of the day is night time. As I sit in the dark, I find comfort. Thoughts start to dismantle, and I can identify the insanity of everything. The truth is I don’t need anything. As I stop panicking the feel of nothingness becomes stronger. The space in the room just black dark and some random noises outside. Passing cars suddenly trigger a memory. I have so much to me. Thoughts, feelings, reactions and I rarely pay attention to them. I start commenting in my head how I feel. I love thinking and imagine, but I have made a promise to cut out imagination as much as possible since it seriously makes me drift away from reality. I have been successful!

Dark emptiness is nothingness, and when you find yourself in nothingness, the feel of it completely changes the dimensions of surroundings. My thinking changes and all the hurts and things that seemed important during the day fade.

Have you ever seen live NASA stream from space on YouTube? I zoom myself out into the space view, and this realization of how little I am comes to me. From space I am invisible yet during the day, I feel like what I experience is the world. There is a moment of confusion because no one talks about this. I am not God, but I feel like one during the day. My addiction seems like a big thing. A disease…but from the view of space, it is nothing, nada, invisible, empty space. It doesn’t exist.

To explore more of my thoughts and opinions visit my sobriety blog ialcoholrecovery.com

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