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[ Personal Narratives ]

Just When I Thought I Had It All Figured Out

That’s when it all fell apart again, except this time only worse. It doesn’t take long for my alcoholism to create total chaos in my life and especially in the innocent lives of my two children. Within a day of heavy drinking, I had cops and dhs in my house removing my children with alcoholism detox waiting for me. 

I am a single mom of two children. From the outside everything looked normal, for the most part. Over the years I became a pro at making the outside look great while the inside is falling apart. But the truth is I always felt out of place, I always thought there was something wrong with me. 

Sickness, peoples stares or whispers, issues with my appearance, just a few of the things that were always worrying me. My patient step dad once stayed up with me trying to convince me that i was not dying of AIDS and that I would wake up in the morning. I was 11. I always thought i was dying or that something was wrong with me and I needed a doctor. I was consumed with the thought that people were staring at me or talking about me. I would drive my family crazy and myself crazy lol. It was completely insane behavior. No one could understand it. 

Then there was alcohol. Sweet sweet alcohol. It made me forget about all the worries of what people were thinking about me. I didn’t care about anything except numbing it all. I drank to black out. Once I take that first drink all bets are off. I lose all control over where I’ll end up, who I’ll end up with and how I’ll get there. None of that mattered though because all I wanted was to not feel anything and to make all those voices in my head to go away. 

Consequences of my drinking started very early on. I’ve always been a drinker who likes to drive. Definitely something i’m not proud of but it’s a huge part of my story. At age 21 i woke up in the middle of a blackout just as I was running a red light and slamming into another car. I had liquor bottles everywhere and I tried to walk away from the scene. I didn’t get far and I was arrested and spent the next few weeks in jail. It was humiliating, but not enough so that I quit. I still had 14 more years ahead of me and lots more visits to jail. I totaled my next car just 2 weeks after my married boyfriend gave it to me. That was the end of our relationship and the first time I went to AA.  The first time going to a meeting was terrifying and I ran out of there and into the bar. 

Within the the next 10 years I had multiple run ins with the law. I moved between Oklahoma and Texas multiple times, not realizing that wherever I went, there I was. I eventually got pregnant and moved to Oklahoma (again) where I would start new. I started working in a bar and made friends with people who drank like me and eventually got pregnant with my second child. Same dad, he likes to move a lot also, we have that in common. When things get rough, just run like hell and pretend like it didn’t happen!! 

It was two weeks before Christmas when my kids got taken away for the first time. I’m a single mom and when CPS showed up at my house I had been drinking but they weren’t coming because of anything alcoholism detox related but to ask about a “special brownie” my son had ate a few days before. Because of my past, the kids were removed and put with family. I was devastated. I started going to AA but couldn’t stop drinking. I couldn’t imagine my life without alcohol. Who would I be? I had been drinking for so long that, a alcoholism detox, well I was terrified to live life without it. My life was total chaos yet I couldn’t stop. 

But I got a sponsor, started working the steps and taking lots of action that I didn’t want to take one was alcoholism detox which sucked. I was super uncomfortable, I didn’t feel as I fit in, but I kept on anyway. I got my kids back early, I got my drivers license back, life was great. But I quickly found out that life after getting sober through alcoholism detox isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. I was having behavioral issues with my son. He was sent to an inpatient behavioral health hospital two hours away and I was driving to see him twice a week for therapy and visitation. While he was inpatient, I celebrated a year. One month and four days after I drank. I tried to hide it but secrets like that eat at me and I came clean. I felt better, but not for long. I was slowly sinking and not asking for help. I tried doing it all on my own. On Monday May 18th, I woke up after getting a babysitter the night before and getting wasted and decided that I didn’t want to deal with life anymore. I wanted to numb it all, deal with the consequences later. Later came few hours later when I forgot where I left my son. Long story short, I called the police to report my son missing, completely forgetting that I left him at karate. Police came and called dhs to get my kids. Next morning I was horribly sick and had court. There I was in the exact same spot I had been in not too long before, except this time worse. 

How could this have happened, I thought I had it all figured out. Little did I know that everything I had worked so hard for could be taken in the blink of an eye. Life is slowly getting better, some days are really difficult. I struggle with lots of guilt. I’m working to get my kids back again. I have been given the gift of sobriety again and this time I absolutely do not take any day I wake up sober for granted. Sobriety is truly a gift. For those who need alcoholism detox please go! I have been given the gift also of not going to prison. A woman in AA said that must be God telling you that you’re needed for a different reason. So I started blogging, getting my story of experience, strength and hope out there. Walking through the fears and self doubt because I know there are mothers out there that love their children but are struggling to get sober. I truly believe now without a doubt that I can not drink without bad things happening its proven and thats why alcoholism detox and staying sober have saved me. I’ve already proved that to myself, now I’m ready to see what sobriety can bring. I know now that life isn’t easy just because I’m sober but it’s nothing compared to the misery I feel when I drink. I hope to make a difference in someones life. I hope at least one person out there hears my story and decides to keep going. One day at a time.