Several weeks ago, I got some Botox and changed my skin care regime. Apparently it worked—worked quite well. I have been receiving compliments about how much better I seem to be doing and how much more “together” I seem to be. My niece repeatedly told me that I looked younger.
Honestly, I didn’t do a whole lot. Barely anything, really. I imagine I must have been looking pretty shabby over the past couple years in order to get so many compliments. That’s okay, if I am looking better as I age then let’s go with that—no matter the means.
What got me thinking though, were the comments referring to how I seem to be doing, rather than how I look. People assuming that because I look better I am doing better. Until people said something, I felt just like I had been: fine. No real change over the past year. What was changing a bit though was as I began believing people were liking and accepting me more I started to feel better about myself.
My shell is very important to me.
I know the opposite is exponentially true. If I believe people have negative feelings about me, I am devastated. It crushes my ego. Depression, anxiety, avoidance—all these and more start up, and that is if I simply suspect someone feels that way about me.
My shell is also very fragile.
This shell finds solace in drinking or using. Going somewhere where no one can find it or judge it. It is precarious, being the treasure in the eyes of another and not oneself. The value changes as swiftly as the waves of the sea. When I think someone finds me without value, I throw myself away. When someone treasures me then I am as happy as a clam.
This is a stormy and rough life. An easier life, of course, would be to live with self value. Not as easy as a little Botox and skin cleanser or reveling in compliments, but more of a lasting treasure that is buried and unseen. Can’t get there with a buzz on and have to dig deep and keep digging to find and rediscover new treasure. But it is this value that gives my life meaning and does not disappear with age.
It is time to trade in my shell for lasting gold.