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[ Personal Narratives ]

My life of codependancy, heroin addiction, overdose, and motherhood ❤️

I have never joined a group like this or been to any meetings. So I’m not sure where to start or what you would like to know but here is a little about my story..

I’m 24 years old, in nine days I will make it to year 25! I’m a single mom of a 3.5 year old daughter, Rylee Rose, who completely lights up my world.

My mom and dad divorced when I was only 2. Addiction and mental health disorders run in both sides of my parents family’s. My mom still struggles with anxiety/depression and my Dad is an alcoholic. My mom did her best to raise me well and she had the best intentions but with my Dad always absent from my life I found myself struggling with codependency issues as a teenage girl. Always seeking male attention and desperate for somebody not to leave. I never really grew out of this and made it a priority, even in high school, to put relationships with my boyfriends even above myself.

I met my daughter’s father when I was 17 and I fell for him immediately. We were together almost 6 years but it ended up being a pretty toxic and traumatic relationship for both of us.

When I found out that I was pregnant back in 2013 we were not even together at the time, but we tried to make it work with the love we thought we had so that our family could have a chance. Nearly 2 years later I decided to leave and stop forcing what was clearly not meant to be.

After our break up I had some pretty hard times financially and emotionally. I hardly knew who I was without this man who was incredibly emotionally abusive. I was lost, broken, angry, and had none of my self worth left.

After a year of trying to make it on my own in my 2 bedroom apartment with full custody of our daughter, I found myself struggling to keep a job for more than a few months at a time. At the end of that year, I was nearly homeless, with no plan of where to go and what to do next. I remember sitting on the floor of that apartment knowing that I was going to be evicted if I didn’t move out soon. I never thought I could feel so hopeless, but I would be wrong.

An old friend from high school invited me to come live on her couch and start a new life for myself in Seattle, nearly 300 miles away from my hometown here. With no other options, I reluctantly and excitedly accepted her offer. I packed up my 2 bedroom apartment, left my daughter with her dad, drove a uhaul to Seattle, and worked hard to find myself a new job and place in a big new city.

I’m still amazed I was able to accomplish this on my own. Of course I had support along the way, but they were connections that I was able to make with perfect strangers, and for that I’m still proud!

After a few months of hard work I had the best job I’ve ever had, the nicest place I’d ever had, I had 50% custody of my daughter and was coparenting with Rylee’s dad, but I was still so alone. I still felt so empty, depressed, and incredibly guilty. I missed my daughter (who was only 2 at the time) my family, and my friends that I left behind. I wish I would have had more faith in myself, because looking back; the life I had begun to create is exactly the quality of life I want and deserve. For some reason I wasn’t ready for it yet.

After successfully creating my new life in Seattle, I joined Tinder, and hoped to find a boyfriend to share my new life and free time with.

I met Charlie, and the rest is history. He is the most handsome man I have ever seen. Tall, blue eyes, dark hair, strong build, charming smile, sexy, with the same sense of humor as me. When I saw him, I knew I was in trouble, and after spending all day BBQ with him at my new house, I swear I fell in love. We instantly became close, spending every single day together after we met. He became my new best friend and made me feel alive again. I should have seen the signs earlier because he practically moved in with me after the first day that we met, yet wouldn’t call me his girlfriend until much later. Our connection was undeniable but after 3-4 weeks of spending every day with Charlie, I started to care about me less and him more. He was practically living with me (and my roommate) for free. I was sharing everything with him, even my car! I noticed a change in him one day when he came to pick me up from work, and this is the first day he was high on heroin around me. Took him only 3 weeks to show his true colors. After that things just continued to get worse. I could have left then, and I should have when I realized what he had been hiding; but I didn’t want to give him up and I didn’t want to be alone.

The longer I stayed with him the worse my life got. I had gotten into a car accident that was not my fault,

but totaled my car. Then just 2 days later, lost my job for being late (and probably for being so distracted with my new boyfriend). Later that day we went to my place to try and figure things out, but Charlie decided to set up a drug deal in our neighborhood after we had already been on thin ice with them, so then the roommate I was renting from kicked us out of the place. I had no car, no job, no home, and only had the friend that I moved out here with to try and rely on – again. I couldn’t even bring myself to call anyone after everything had fallen apart – again. But things were spiraling out of control even quicker than they just had a few months before I moved to Seattle.

With no where else to go, Charlie and I snuck into the warehouse in Bellevue where he had been working to stay the night there.

This is when I decided to try injecting heroin with him for the first time. I stuck out my arm and let him do it for me. I felt hooked the second that I felt the warm peaceful rush enter my body. For the next couple of weeks we rode around on the bus, stole what we needed from stores, spent all of our money on heroin and hotel rooms, until July 3rd 2016, when I over dosed. I woke up that day in a hospital room, surrounded my nurses and doctors. I thought at first we had been in a car accident – but then it hit me. The last thing I could remember was Charlie and I shooting up in my car. We had just bought a fresh batch and he couldn’t wait to try it. He mixed it up, filled our syringes, loaded him self up real good first and then asked me if I wanted to do the whole needle full (usually I was only doing half) I said if you think I should then ok! I just wanted to feel that same peaceful rush that I first felt when I tried it. I stuck out my arm, let him find a vein, and instantly over dosed and almost died right then and there in the car. Charlie rushed me to the nearest hospital, told the staff he didn’t know what happened, and left for a while. I thought he stole my car and was never coming back. But he did, and I let him, and I never even told a single soul about how I almost died that day ubtil later on. 

After almost losing my life, and feeling very depressed – still just waiting to run out of money as we continued to spend all I had on hotel rooms, food, etc. I reached out a few days later for help to try and get back home. I knew I needed to get away, but I was so addicted to Charlie that I didn’t know how to leave without help. I’m still so thankful for my friend that I moved to Seattle for, helping me to get out and get back home.

I wish I could say my story ends there, that I made it back home, I cut Charlie off, and I moved on with my life. But I didn’t. I stayed with him, in a horribly toxic long distance relationship. I continued to use with him off and on, almost every time we would be able to see each other. I still to this day have not used by myself. I only used with him, until he broke up with me in October 2016. He completely cut me off, found a new girlfriend, we went our separate ways, and I stopped using.

I tried to regain contact with him multiple times between October-May. I was clean for nearly 7 months, but I had already lost everyone I loved in my life. Especially after making the choice to go back to Charlie, and to relapse again after my over dose.

I was even more hopeless and alone than I had been when I was sitting on my apartment floor facing eviction not even a year before.

I tried to move on with my life, but couldn’t shake the trauma that I had created. I missed Charlie even though he made me miserable.

Still I tried my best to live a life that made me happy, and after a few bad apples, I was able to find a job here again that I loved. Things weren’t perfect but I was doing ok, and making progress again.

Charlie finally contacted me back a couple of months ago in May 2017 (the girlfriend he had after me, really screwed him over) and when I knew he wanted to see me again, I couldn’t fight the impulse to go pick him up and bring him back here just to ruin the life I created, again!

I was just sober for 7 months, yet here I was inviting him back into my life, back into my home, and inviting this drug back into my veins.

Charlie is gone again, and now so is everything else too. I lost custody of my daughter, and the place I was living while he was here. Then shortly after he went back home; I lost my job, and my car broke down.

He is in in patient rehab right now and I haven’t talked to him since he went in. I have a lot of my own work to do, and pieces to pick up again, but I’m hoping that we both get the help that we need to separate and move on with healthy lives.

I think part of the reason I’m still so drawn to him is because I know that he understands addiction, we share that together, but I know he is dangerous for me and that I need to seek support from others who understand and won’t drag me down with them.

As I reflect I realize how much pain I feel from not being close to my father and completely losing touch with my mother. I have not felt like I could call on her in a crisis in a long long time. Maybe because there was always starting to be a crisis in her eyes and she couldn’t handle me anymore, but I know deep down I just crave that sense of belonging, I just want to be loved unconditionally.

Today has been 6 weeks since my relapse. Here’s to 42 days and a lifetime more ❤️❤️

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