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[ Personal Narratives ]

Life On Life’s Terms

Today is the 998th day that I have been sober. I use a tracker on my iPhone called “Since I” to track important dates and this is at the top of the list. I’ve been in a rut lately with my career and the purpose I am meant to serve overall. I know I am here to be the best Mom I can be to my children and that is one of the most precious things I have in my life. I am trying to be the best wife I can to my husband. We just celebrated one year of being married. We’ve endured so much before our marriage that this first year feels like a breeze, even though it is supposed to be the hardest…we are not “new” newlyweds with this being our second marriages so we feel a little more versed in what we want this time around I think. I’ve been sponsoring two women in the program, which keeps me working my own program extra hard. As they say “you can’t give what you don’t have” and I want to be able to give my all to them. I have been going back through my steps with them it has been really helpful. I have also been keeping a gratitude journal for the past several weeks that I am religious about filling in each night so I keep remembering all the good things in my life that I have to thank God for every day. So why am I in a slump?…

Since I suffer from anxiety and at times depression, when I am at certain cross roads in my life, they can be triggered or exaggerated by life’s circumstances. One of my character defects is impatience and being that I am trying to create some change in my life, that defect has been fully activated. I am not ashamed to admit that I have anxiety, or struggle with depression. It is a part of who I am . It is a part of the hard wiring that I was born with and I can either ignore it and make everyone including myself miserable or I can treat it. I choose to treat it, since in the past, I would bury anything that brought upon these feelings with alcohol and that would worsen all those feelings and I know that is NOT what I want to do. That is not the solution, that much I can say for sure.

I think that what I have to keep in check is that I do have a right to make changes in my life. In this instance it is a career change. I know that I am ready to do something different….more fulfilling but I don’t know just what that is. I have posted for several jobs, all in the corporate world, but it is more of a transactional exercise than anything. I find a job that I know I can succeed in, and I apply. The problem is that I don’t feel any passion behind the process. That tells me that I’m not moving in the right direction, but rather just any old direction. I have been talking to God every day, as I always do, but I have been asking him to provide me with the guidance to find within me, what it is that I am passionate about. That is the best I can do for now. I can’t expect the answers to come on my timeline, I have to keep reminding myself that everything happens on God’s timeline. My life is none of my business and I need to trust that he has my plan and he will execute on it when the time is right. That is a tough one and requires Step 3 to be a major focus. I like the way someone put in a meeting one night how he summarized steps 1, 2 and 3….“I can’t, he can, let him”. And so, I will do just that.

I suppose I just answered my own issues in this post. I have to go back and before I go to bed tonight and keep my pillow promise for the 998th day of sobriety, I will turn over my fears and uncertainty and give them to him. I can use the tools I’ve built up in my AA toolbox now to get through this time. I am so blessed that I am in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That will be going into my gratitude journal tonight.