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Logical Thoughts From An Active Heroin User

If I think back to 8 years ago, I would never picture myself here; I was a beautiful, loving, compassionate girl, and now I am a full blown HEROIN addict.

I was the first born child of 2 recovering addicts, so I guess I was born with an addictive personality. But still, I never gave it much thought..who thinks they’re going to to turn into to a heroin addict anyways? But it happened, and I found myself on A long scary dreadful road, alone , alone in my addiction ,and in my mind. 

I would never wish substance abuse disorder on anyone, especially with Heroin. You are basically a walking zombie. Its both sad and crazy to think that we chose this life of pain and suffering, just to avoid our problems..

I’m a very grateful person, why do I continue to use??? I have a loving family. Brothers and a sister who would die for me and a heathy beautiful son. But I am not able to quit for them. Some people say it’s a matter of will-power, I’m really struggling with that question, because for the sake of god, how can i not stop for my child?

I’m just an addict, and I know others love me, but is that because they dont know the real me? No wait! The real me is trapped inside the body of an terrible addiction. You see, it’s like I can see everything somewhat logically, but it doesnt matter, i can’t stop using. No matter what people think of me, I look at myself as a worthless piece of shit that has wasted her life by chasing a high that would never be the same as the first. 

See I starting using drugs to hide the fact that I didn’t love myself, because I don’t love myself one bit; I’m self conscious, ugly and worthless. I don’t even remember the last time that I actually looked at myself in the mirror. 

I started using Percocet at about 16, I loved it the second I snorted the first pill, I couldn’t get enough. It went from every weekend to everyday in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t afford $25 a pill anymore but still I managed to do them for about year.

Then came my 17th birthday and I just I didn’t care, all I wanted to do was not be sick, and so I got high, but not with a pill. A friend had a little blue baggy with a stamp ‘white girl’ on it, not knowing that I would love it just as much as a pill, and for the first time.. I tried HEROIN and was in love yet again. 

From that point on I was chasing that first time high for a year and some.. I was 18 when I met the love of my life, with the help of him, my family, and a solid program, I ended up getting getting clean and I stayed clean for about 4 months, and I was finally happy.

I had a man that loved and took care of me, he did everything and some just to see me smile. I was loved when I still couldn’t love myself.. This played a big part in our relationship, how can you love someone when you can’t even love yourself ?

I was doing good in my sobriety. I had a job , a car, and I was acting as a responsible member of society. I ended up getting pregnant at 19 had my son at 20. My boyfriend and I got engaged and moved in together. I thought my life was just perfect. I was blessed to have a heathy baby & a man that loved me. But something just wasn’t right. 

All it took to ruin everything was a thought, a quick thought that I could use once, and not go back. Actually I guess there were two mistakes, the other being the decision to hang out with some old friends from highschool that I knew would be using. What if I just didn’t take that ride? What if I played the tape all the way through and realized where it would have landed me? Im a logical thinker after all, until it comes to my own addiction. 

Well, I relapsed once, and the rush reminded my body of what It was missing for months. My mind would not stop craving afterward. For those that don’t understand the “urge” i get for heroin, think about something that makes almost all of us feel good, lets say money. If you were told that you won $50,000, but you had to pick it up within an hour, you would drop what you were doing to make sure you got to that money. Now take that urge you’d have to get the money, and times it by ten.. Because I’d take the heroin over 10 times that amount of money. Unless of course I could trade that money for more heroin. 

At any rate, Off to the races I gooooo…

I stole, lied and cheated on the person who would have given me the world & to my family who loved me unconditionally;  just to get another bag. This addiction has taken everything from me, the man I love, my family, everything!

I’m so drained my body is tired ,tired of waking up scrounging change just to get a bag or two to function for the day. I don’t wanna be a worthless piece of shit anymore.

My family is sick of me, my mom is my world but she’s holding on to me by a thin piece of thread, my father can’t even look me in the eyes. 

Im losing a battle, and i’m aware of the stakes. I know that I need to get help again; I’ve been riding this roller coaster for too long. But things get in the way. The withdrawal, the emotions, the damage I’ve done. I need to hit reality, I’ve lost pretty much everything. I cant live this life anymore. I am helpless!

People say that no one can help an addict unless that addict want to help themselves. But what if I want to be willing to help myself? I mean what sort of heroin addict actually wants to face life on life’s terms? 

I’m losing my life, I’m gonna lose my son. For what , for what … All for that next damn fix! 

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, amen. 

I will by the grace of God try, try my hardest to beat this evil addiction that has taken over my life. I really do believe that every addict is worth another chance, another chance at proving to themselves that this addiction can be won, that life can be surrendered. 

Those are my observations, as a somewhat logical active heroin addict.