This article will contain alot of what i have experienced, caused and witnessed. An obsession so strong, convincing, patient and ruthless. Quickly followed by a drug to which has all these characteristics, but on steroids. My intent for this article is to tell the truth as to why we can not get clean just for someone else, why we can not stay faithful when the needle is playing strip tease and mostly, why a $10 bag of whatever the hell it is takes presedence over anyone else.
I hope you can look past the spelling and grammer errors. The fact i am not the most educated man has nothing to do with how i feel, how i express myself and how i share my story with honestly and vulnerability. Now…. back to the topic.
For as long as i can remember i was that hopeless romantic. I can remember stealing my moms perfume before banquets, making sure my hair was perfectly parted down the middle and tucked behind the ears. Yes, we are talking late 90s here so Kurt Cobain and Green Day had something to do with the attire. Anyway i always had the master plan, the prep work and motivation to “get the girl!” The only problem was as soon as i was around them i shut down, lost all confidence and the mission failed. That was until many years of heart break and missed opportunites, i found “the one” the one that made me feel so good inside i could barely go an hour without thinking about her. She was smooth but with a kick, tall and dark. She was something i would alway chase…… with a pepsi or ginger ale. Alcohol was my first real love. For the first time in my life i found something that took away my insecurities, fears and emotions. It turned me into superman and alcohol was my Louis Lane.
Years go by and i feel i have mastered the art of social drinking, alone, in my basement. Im now 20 years old, 2 years into a marriage. I have a 2 year old daughter and what i thought a managable affair with my whiskey. Needless to say after several black outs, violent fights and many nights in an empty house i chose my first love over my family. A few more years go by and I repeat this circus of selfish self will run riot. I find myself with a beautiful son. Well i did, i was now staring at an empty crib, a dark kitchen, 2 candles and the bottle.
The day i decided i never needed to drink again wasnt because of my family, had nothing to do with my kids, and definitly wasnt for my health. No, the reason i stopped drinking was because i fell in love with a needle and heroin. It took everything to the next level. Absolutly nothing else mattered at this point. I found myself in my 3rd relationship which included my another child, another painful ending to which left me homeless, heartless and willing to die.
I lost or no lets get honest. I gave away three beautiful children, a relationship with my father, a man who was now 18 years sober and loved me more than himself. I gave away careers, dreams and hope. I found myself emotionless, spiritualy bankrupt and desperate to die. But….. i had my needle, full dope bags and a bottle cap full of water. I remember nights sleeping in my truck, looking at pictures of my kids balling my eyes out. I remember my parents trembling voice as i fed them lies of how good i was doing. I remember blocking calls from my childs mother because the sound of my kids voice felt like a hack saw through my heart. Lets get real here and say this was not the life i chose when i was that honor student in 9th and 10 grade. I did not chose to be the diminished dead beat father i had become, but what i did chose was death and the idea of never having to hurt anyone else again.
So lets skip the horror scenes that followed and fast forward to why i feel those in early recovery should not seek a woman or man just as they did the bottle or bag. Why co ed recovery houses are killing people and love at first sight can only be found in a mirror. Now im not saying you cant stay sober while in a relationship. I am saying when the day comes when everything falls apart, when your partner relapses or you lose that job, will you remain strong in your program. I am the first to tell you i got away by the skin of my teeth in early recovery. I self seeked in women, used them to fill voids, held them emotionally hostage. I kept a roster of women so when i was hurting or feeling alone i would always have something to fill the void, to temporarily take away the pain. Hey, kind of sounds alot like my relationship with alcohol and heroin. Hmmm must be me, idk. Anyway it wasnt until i found out who i really was and what i was capable of when i was able to offer someone anything. I found myself perfectly content with lying in bed completly alone listening to music, going out to the pool hall or beach and hanging out with my boys. I found myself to be “ok!” I didnt “need” anyone, and honestly it felt really good.
Moral of this article is this. After years and years of trauma, hurting others, getting hurt, all these things have affected our abilities to be in healthy relationships. Because i never liked who i was from the start. From moms perfume to the dope man’s product i found my self masking the real me. Shit, i didnt know who i was until i was in my late 20s and i am just now beggining to see a little clearer. Look im no therapist, and again this is all my opinion and experience. Just please take it from me. You can not sexualy transmit recovery. You can not live off self will and selfish acts. You CAN discover yourself and see what your really worth. You can be present and available one day to a man or women and have that hopeless romance you imagined many years ago. This starts not at detox, not in treatment nor in a coed halfway. This starts when you stop, take a look at yourself and say “what can i offer this person today?” not ” what do they have that i need?”
My relationship with alcohol and heroin took away everything God provided. In no way do i live in regret. I understand and hold myself accountable for my actions all those years. I also know i am not the same person i was back then. My relationship with heroin went from the perfect fit to an empty fix. It lied to me, it took me for a ride i will never forget. Herion went from a solution to a symptom. It takes and takes until you have nothing but the desire to die. Just know that if your one of the lucky ones that lives through this shit that you have a decision to make. Everything that you think is gone, every bridge you torched and every heart you broke, it can all be rebuilt. This starts with you, an uncomfortable inside job that will not only give you your life back but also enjoy it. I have my life back, im not only breathing im living. My wife is a partner, not a hostage. My kids have a father, not a felon. This too can be your story if you so chose.
I know this article is somewhat all over the place but then again, arent we all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I pray it gives someone a little more clarity as to why its important to love yourself before anyone else.
RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!! Please visit my page @ http://fb.me/therecoveringauthor
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