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[ Personal Narratives ]

Love, Loss, and Pain: My Current Struggle With Suboxone 

I am Jessie.  I am an addict.  Ive lived in pain and torment from the age of 14 on. Last month I overdosed on March 13 , 2016. I am currently stable on Suboxone, a drug that both saved my life, and turned into the living hell I now endure. I am physically addicted through and through, and my life is determined by what the doctor wants to do. 

A few months ago I relapsed after eight years of sobriety on Suboxone. The doctors took it from me, causing me to lose the job of my dreams, over 8,000 dollars, and everything else I cherished and loved.  My children lost their mom to crack, heroin, and needles.  It wasn’t until I overdosed and lost everything –EVERYTHING I’ve ever owned and worked hard for– that the doctors decided I needed the medication. 

I am free of heroin today, but I live at the mercy of my 2mg of Suboxone each day. I’ve tried and tried so many times to get this medication out of my body. When your withdrawing for over 12 days, only to see your physical symptoms are getting worse, you start to think of ways to make the detox easier. I believed heroin would be easier to get off than Suboxone, since the withdrawal period is shorter (closer to a week). I’m sure I’m not the first person to try that plan, and i’m sure like most that try, it didn’t work out one bit. I got worse, after all, I’m a heroin addict, and so I couldn’t stop until I could no longer inject into my arms because every vein I had was broken.  

I am a mother and my children have no idea.  I hide my addiction so well that I fool even the brightest con artist. Master of manipulation and self harm. I am selfish to put my life in danger, but the calling of the drugs have my soul.  I am sick almost everyday of my life. I have liver disease and I know I will most likely die from what i’ve done to my body. But yet I continued to hurt myself.  I went through Interferone that cost thousands of dollars and killed the hepatitis C virus,  it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As I relapsed, my needle broke and I was given one from the guy I thought was a good friend, and I trusted him,  I have not been tested but I’m pretty sure I caught the virus for the second time.

This is how horrible addiction is. You will use at any cost. I believe whomever or whatever force that is evil is responsible for this disease. At times i’ve have felt almost like I’m possessed. I got sober once in prison and I called on God to stop my cravings, God was the only force that made me stop. For 6 months I had no drugs in my system at all, and I prayed daily. But this was still short lived because I eventually turned to Suboxone. 

Addiction, more specifically drugs, bring us to our knees. If you’ve never been addicted you’ll never know the pure hell that we endure everyday, the depression, the pain, the hurt, the sickness, the feeling of unworthiness, the friends who have passed,  the failing bodies, the lost hope. 

I need to find that light at the end of the tunnel. Please God help me.