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Miss Heroin, A Beautiful Disaster

Heroin has robbed me of living a normal life. I first used heroin when I was at the age of 19. It was something everyone dreams about, right? I was a good student. I graduated high school in 2007. I met some new people in 2008 that shifted everything that I had known my whole life. I never used opiates, but when I did it took me for a ride. This long on and off relationship that I had with opiates and heroin ended May 17, 2015.

I was addicted to the life. The ripping and running and risky behavior to get dope was a high in itself. It took me only 3 days to know that I couldn’t live without this deadly substance.

August of 2008 was the first time that I overdosed. I was just leaving Camden and stopped at the nearest wawa in Cherry Hill and hit myself right in the parking lot. I was drunk and did two bags. The story that I heard was that my lips turned purple my face was white and I was limp. I was unresponsive. My boyfriend at the time shot me up with salt water and I came to immediately. This one little problem even did not change my mind about stopping though. I was angry because I wasn’t high anymore. I used more.

I was reckless, and careless and fighting these demons that Miss Heroin created. I was in love with the euphoric feeling of nothingness. I felt like I never belonged until I met this monster.

My whole attitude and outlook on life shifted. For once, I made a decision: this was what I chose. Heroin did not come with a user’s manual. I didn’t know I would become physically and emotionally ill from it—but I thought that it made everything that much better. I was content with the fact that I was going to be a functioning heroin addict and I did not care who got in my way. We were going to be together.

So many times I could have gotten in trouble, so many times I could have died. But I am here today to live to tell my story. I hope that someone can read this and see that this is no way to live.

I was obsessed and possessed at the same time. I had children and still used. I tried to manage being a mom an employee. I tried to keep everything together even though it was falling apart. I couldn’t die. I felt like a superhero and heroin was my beautiful disaster. I had to give it up completely. I was obsessed with this obsession: would I stay this way forever?

No. It’s over. The obsession the finding means and ways to get dope was gone. I created this world which I only understood. I became this monster I thought I would never be. But today, I am free.