I was thinking this morning, prior to leaving to go mountain biking for the day, how long has it been since I had actually visited the mountains that I so dearly love?
As I sat on the deck outside my bedroom, in this fabulous townhome I share with a clean and sober couple, I had a moment of clarity.
It had been twenty-two years since I had taken a trip to what I refer too, as God’s country! Twenty-two years, since I visited the pristine forests of the place I used to go to, every chance I had.
I was completely taken back by this. I sat there looking up at the sky, mouth open, in awe of the thought that had just passed through my mind. Then aloud I said, “are you serious?” Unfortunately, as it turns out, I was. I have been so busy finding and getting, the means to get high that I completely lost touch with what truly made me happy, on every level!!
So for fear of not knowing how long this moment of clarity would last, I let my mind continue to survey the damage. That my substance abuse had inflicted on my soul. After a brief couple of moments, the damage report had come in.
The results were shocking! I gave up my identity as a human being and my credibility as a man. I gave up my wife, and my son, and his first sixteen birthdays.
I even gave up my mother, my father, sister and brother as well. If that was not enough, I was within moments, on more than one occasion, OF GIVING UP MY LIFE!!
I had not until this morning ever been able to see this before!! In all my past attempts at recovery, I would only get small glimpses of this message. Never, though, had the dark and dreary portrait, of the effects of my addiction on my life, ever been painted as a whole.
I am still in a state of shock about this I think. I just simply cannot believe, that I traded every single thing that made me happy away.
To chase a high, that only ever caused me PAIN!!!
Talk about humbling, I have not felt this humble in some time, and that is a good thing. The good book says “humility precedes honor.” So who knows, maybe one day, I will be an honorable man again?
Not void of defects mind you. Just willing to be the best that I can be, as often as I can be it. And humble enough to admit the error of my ways, when they occur.
My life clean and sober is beautiful today, much like the splendor of the mountains were this afternoon. With a clear head and conscience that’s getting clearer, I am well on my way.
Moments like these are grand occasions, even though they can be startling at first. I need to be able to see, and understand, who I really was this past twenty plus years.
So I can learn, and grow, into the man I want to become!!