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[ Opinion ] [ Personal Narratives ]

My Addiction Has Made Me a Shadow of Myself

Photo Albums. We all have them but how many of us actually look through them? And how often? Does it bring a good feeling or does it bring longing for a moment that has long past us? Should we even look through them? They say not to get caught up in the past, but then why do we have photo albums? 

These are the questions that went through my mind when I found a couple old photo albums late one night. It’s hard to describe the feeling I got when I was going through these old albums filled with my memories.

I find myself thinking, how can I compete with that. Are my best days already past? Sometimes I see the possibilities missed, other times I long for that confident girl who always had fun. Always, I wish that my present would be as worth remembering as those moments in my past. When I look into my past I realize just how much I’m wasting my present by not making the most of it. Too damaged to take the risks needed to make it all worthwhile.

My addiction has made me weary and cautious. Have I become a shadow of myself?

I lost myself somewhere along the way and I desperately want to find that fun loving girl again. Recovery has been great – way better than even the best day during my addiction – but I’m human and I’m still scared of taking chances. Part of my recovery was to avoid taking chances and I’m still learning to balance the chances worth taking and the ones I need to avoid.

I won’t always know what I’m getting into when it comes to meeting new people and going new places, but I’m realizing that’s a chance I need to take if I’m going to become that confident girl in these photos. Having friends is important. What are memories without friends to share them with. Recovery doesn’t come without its challenges – recovering addicts know this well.

I I feel like I need to get out and socialize. There’s something important and special about bonding with others that can’t be found alone at home.

Last weekend I spent time with my long time best friend who I hadn’t seen in years. It reminded me how important friends are and how much I missed her. It also gave me a little hope that I wasnt going to be a hermit for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong I do lots of stuff that makes me happy, but those are things I do alone.

Its easier to go out meet new people and try new things when you have at least one friend by your side. Now that I have my partner in crime there might be more fun in my life. I really want more of those good times in my life. 

I just have to push myself out of my comfort zone and try not to let my past addiction make me weary of new situations or being out with people. I won’t always know what I’m in for, but I need to take chances if I’m to make the rest of my life the best of my life.


Read more at Recovering Addict Blog