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[ Personal Narratives ]

passing the baton

Passing the Baton – Day 195

I finally understand how powerful addiction is. I suffer it every day. Before my sweet son left this world, I watched him suffer. I watched him become someone who was possessed by the force of Heroin’s influence. He was not the same child. I could not understand what could be so powerful that it could strip someone of everything they were and make them incapable of returning to the life they had.

I get it now. I am an addict. It was passed down to me with the departure of my son. I am addicted to him in my life. I would do anything to feel the rush of his embrace, the euphoria of his hearing his voice, if there was a needle full of the scent of him, I would lie, steal, cheat, and give up anything good in my life to get it. I would use it every chance I got, no matter the cost. Lucky for me, there is no drug named Alex. But I would be a user if there was. I am just like him. I am as empty as he ever was. I am numb to any emotion except sadness. I have lost many friends because I cannot give of myself and I am lonely. I live in my despair as he did. I am trapped by hopelessness as he was. I have discovered that there is something in every person’s life that they would trade themselves for. For some, it is Heroin, for those who have buried their child, it is the child themselves. Don’t tell me I haven’t experienced addiction. He was in my life for 25 years. Every single day. And then…it was over. Just like that. Gone, and with that came the cold turkey withdrawal from his presence. The actual physical pain of his absence. The craving for him that can not ever be satisfied. The hopelessness that will never leave me. The nothingness that is all I have left to hold. I will never stop wanting him no matter how long it has been since I’ve been “sober”. I would go back in a heartbeat. If only……