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[ Personal Narratives ]

So Perfect, Yet So Flawed: A Story About Coming In Second Place

This is a story about true love.  A story about battling for that true love, and always losing.

Im 37. Had a few long term relationships. Always seemed to settle and never really connect. Then I met THE ONE. We worked together, we hung out after a year, and suddenly all my protective walls regarding relationships were dropping. The most amazing woman I had ever met walked into my life and was just as crazy about me as I was of her. Non stop laughing, all the same interests, thinking the same thing at the same time, passionate amazing soul entwining lovemaking, etc etc etc. For the first time in my life, I was truly in love.  She was my other half.  My puzzle piece.  My center of gravity.

She was honest and up front. She was a recovering heroin addict. I have zero experience in this. I used to smoke week in my twentys and I like a few beers on the weekend. But I was willing to give this a go. But quickly, it got darker. She had a three year old son from a previous relationship. The ex was her former dealer. He just got out of jail because apparently she was hanging out with another guy, he found them, stabbed him, cut her, forced her into his friends car and drove off. Did three years for assault and kidnapping. She waited the entire time for him to get out and continued to use. I was like, oh crap what am I getting into? He had gotten out recently and was in the halfway house, but she assured me it was over. Then she tells me she promised he could move in for her son until he got on his feet. I told her I wasnt interested in dating (we were in the formative stages of the relationship). I walked away. Two days later, she tells me she called it off. Hes not moving in and she wants to date. See where this is going?

We worked together, but spent all our days off and every other night together. Her son is at a sitter. I get the impression shes been cooped up as a single mom for three years and she just wants to finally enjoy some time off with me. Things are fantastic and were falling deeper and deeper in love. But I start noticing things. She invites me to her place a few times and theres a XBox there. Its the exes; hes left it there for her and her son to use and watch TV. Then she lets slip when shes at my house that he is staying the night at her house to watch her son. This is not acceptable to me and we take a break.

Things start over again. But I am very leery. She calls crying one day to come clean; hes been living there the whole time. We seperate again. She kicks him out. He sends me a message on FB detailing that shes been lying to me all along; they are not intimate but hes lived there the whole time and has to hide his stuff when I come over.  She used to sell herself for drugs and money while he was in jail.  She confirms it all but she begs and begs and pleads for me to stay. So I relent, because her love seems so convincing.  I want this to work, because I know she is the one.  I will force this information aside for our future.  But I specifically state that he has to go.  A man with a violent history like that is not a good role model for her son.  The father buys him toy swords and knives and hes hitting us with them.  He watches him play Call of Duty when hes over there.  He acts up every time he gets back from there.  And most importantly, you cannot associate with people you use with.  But she defends him every time, and says hes a good father and he learned his lesson, and its not right for her son to lose his dad.  Makes perfect sense to me in a normal sense, but this is not a normal situation.  The guy is bad news.  The grudge continutes.

During this time, I learn of another female friend of hers who is friends with the ex and watches her son occasionally.  They also used together, and I tell her this is not acceptable behavior either.  The temptation to use will always be there with these people.  Well, she and her boyfriend get arrested for selling drugs and having firearms in the house.  This is where a four year old child spends some of his time.  This woman tests for heroin again when she gets out and goes right back in.  My girl claims she is done with her.  Well, she wasnt.

Fast forward a few months. She calls crying again. Shes using heroin again. She promises to quit. I dont recognize the signs, but I start seeing them now.  Shes coming home bleary eyed, pin pupils, talking slow.  She throws herself into housework when shes high to stay occupied.  Every night like clockwork. She starts up at the suboxone clinic. Now she is manipulating them; doing her drug tests and counselling but using inbetween and giving herself time to clean up. She talks the good talk and gets visits spaced out more and more. Finally last december she comes clean again after the fights over lying come to a head and she kicks me out because she cannot peacefully use in the house anymore. She has been using the entire time, multiple times a day. She swears to quit on new years, and she does.

Now I have my true love back. She begins to act normally. She puts on weight and looks fantastic. She has an amazing positive outlook on life. My love returns!  I’m sitting in a bar with her on Valentines Day and it hits me; I do not deserve this.  What does she see in me?  Im nobody!  How did I manage to land this beautiful angel?  This lasts until May, when I sell my Dads boat and put 1800 in her hand to pay off her bills. My mistake. She starts right up again and relapses. Now I see it every day. The lies and sneaking around continue.

A month goes by. One day she comes home late from work, says no more lies, no more sneaking. Plops her bag on the counter and does a line. Promises to always tell me when shes leaving, and she does. But she leaves, sometimes stays out for hours after promising to not be long. Im angry all the time, and we fight every night. She stops coming home. Im watching her son every night and she never spends time with him. I cut her off from money and babysitting. She starts bringing him to his dads every night. Then everything starts clicking; the ex is the dealer. She denies everything and makes up another dealer, and thats where she stays the night. She blames everything on the addiction and assures me nothing is going on and Im the only one for her.

Meanwhile, it gets worse. I wanted to try it, see what the big deal is. Shes snorting it, so that first night she pulled the bag out she gave me a line. Its alright, but nothing I would get hooked on. I did it a few times with her.  It was like…the only way I could deal with her being high and get along was to be high myself.  I would give her money when she was broke to hook up.  I paid off her dealer debts.  I was having her buy for me.  I had no desire to use unless she was around, because it was the only thing that made the grudge go away. Never again, because I felt that desire start creeping up and realized the power it has.

So the fights get extremely bad. She never spends time with her son. Shes on a gram a day or more habit. Shes blowing 5-700 bucks a week and cant afford bills or food. Im forced to buy all the groceries to feed us, and pay the bills myself so she wont get the money. Now Im going into debt. She does a line when she wakes up, does it all day at work, and eventually comes home blitzed after she scores. She tries climbing all over me usually and Im just turned off by her behavior. She threatens suicide constantly. She stays out for a week straight. She eventually comes home and we have a massive fight. Shes in the shower and while were arguing I punch the shower curtain thinking shes on the other end of the bath.  I had done it before like a dramatic idiot, because I have zero control over the situation and the hurt. I immediately apologize and try to help but she freaks out, which is understandable. Files a restraining order on me, so I move out. But she comes back when Im packing and says we will work out, just need space. I stay in a hotel. Shes over every other night like nothing happened. Its all love.  Everything will be alright, we will work out. Until one day my friend txts me, hes at a concert and sees her. He sends me pics, and shes with her ex. This is it and I lose it. I get insanely drunk as a bad coping mechanism. I dont remember calling the suicide hotline, but the cops show up to throw me in the drunk tank, put me in the hospital on suicide watch. I get served the restraining order. I get out and I am finally done. I think its closure. Until three days later, Im smoking a cigarette outside the hotel and there is her car. She begs me to talk, to love her, that we will work out. I fall for it, again.

Its a month later. Since she ran me dead broke, Ive had to move in with my mom until Im back on my feet. She calls and txts every day. Its all love as usual. Im her soulmate, she wants nobody else. She wants to get counseling to put the issues behind us. She no shows at the court hearing and the restraining order is dropped. We spend every weekend together. But shes using while shes here, and can only stay one night because she will have to score again.

Somethings been off the whole time. She flip flops from soulmates, to shes still screwing up and a shitty person and we need space. Mixed signals. Turns out I discover, as soon as I left, she moved in with the ex. Shes txting him every day, asking for lines when she gets home, get a bag ready, etc. He is the dealer, and her now 5 year old son lives there.  She has been living a double life for the last month, telling me everything is going to work out for us while shes sleeping with him. The heroin is her number one priority, and as long as she thinks I dont know shes there, she will act like nothings wrong. I confront her, tell her its finally over, and she claims Im deserting her for nothing.

So here I am, posting on a support forum. I love this girl to death. I honestly believe she loves me, but the drugs come first, even if she has to involve her drug dealer ex. There is no boundary there. I suspected all along, and she kept the lie up because she thought I would ruin her life if I knew. She would make hints here and there, but somehow I knew all along.  And the saddest part is, that little voice in the back of my head wants her back. She claims to start the methadone clinic next week, and all her problems go away when shes clean. But its too much. The pain will always be there. She thinks shes damaged goods, and I assured her that I think that between her drug and past issues, I think shes a normal human being and I would support her and be her rock to the end. But the choices she has made are the death of us. I never wanted to walk away from this.  She was the one.  Now Im alone and heartbroken, and Ive lost somebody who under all the junk I truly believe was my soulmate.  There is a real person under there, yet I can never go back.  Because she is so perfect, yet so flawed, and I will always come in second place.