Good morning everyone, or is it? That’s what I am writing here for, to try and figure that out. I am going to have to go with yes it is a good morning even though the inside of me right now doesn’t feel like it but God blessed me with an optimistic attitude that tends to see the good in all things. So it’s a good morning even when my insides tell me it’s not.
You see I woke up this morning feeling restless, irritable and discontent just like the one twelve step program tells me I will as I walk the unfamiliar road into early recovery. You see my super-fast brand new $800 laptop isn’t acting so damn fast and the website I go to and write these articles on is doing all kinds of funky stuff it has never done before.
Which is making it hard to even finish a complete paragraph and damn it, I just did something that caused me to completely lose the paragraph I finally was able to write.
So now I have opened Microsoft word to re-write this stuff again in hopes that I have learned enough out of my computer class I am taking this semester so I don’t end up doing something stupid and accidentally loose this whole damn article as I get near the end.
For the past 90 days, I have been writing about my addiction exposing it for the lying little prick that it is on some days and for the horrendous monster that is trying to kill me on other days. I have been bold and sharing all of me in my battle with my addiction in hopes that both my victory’s and my struggles will bear witness to the fact that there is hope, and no matter how beat down we get to never give up!!
I have written eleven articles all positive heartfelt and full of hope. I have yet to have a bad day in this past three months and some have told me that I am making this recovery thing look easy and how they feel that there is no doubt I will recover this time.
You know what It has been easy this past three months and there is no doubt in my mind that this is my time to shine. My time to recover and my time to grab my addiction by the throat with one hand and choke the living shit out of it. While my other hand prepares the way for my future. I am confident in this.
Today though my friends I woke up from an overnight battle with my addiction seemingly in my sleep I guess because I woke up feeling this way. Today I woke up with a hypothetical black eye. Frustrated, feeling a bit out of sorts and not really sure why.
It wasn’t until I began a bit of internal self-examination that I felt this urge to write and I know when I write my soul gets its voice and its voice is pure and speaks only truth. So by the time I am done sharing here with you not only will you know what is wrong with me but I will as well and that is the beauty of this gift of writing that God has given me.
To be honest with you, my ego and my pride do not want me to write this because it shows that I struggle with my addiction just as much as the rest of you. Even though based on my past articles it may not appear like it. But it is important to me and my cause that I not only tell you all about the good but also the bad and the ugly as well.
For I know if I fall victim to the will of my Ego and Pride then I will spiral back down the black hole of self-centeredness and be loaded before the end of the day. That’s a fact, being clean and sober and being successful at it is just as much about changing our behaviors as it is about not using alcohol or drugs. Please believe that!
Our behaviors will put a pipe in our mouth or a needle in our arm just as fast as the internal craving to get high will, you have to believe me on that one. I learned it from my I.O.P. counselor this last time in treatment and she presented it in such a way that it actually resigned in my mind and stuck this time.
So back to me. I am irritable this morning, I don’t like it, and it is not at all me. So knowing that there is only one place that I can look to find the answer, inside of me. Here is what I have come up with.
I am a part super nice guy trying to share his experiences in hopes that it can benefit myself and others. I am also part selfish, self – centered don’t give two shits about you or anybody else dope fiend. So that makes two of me let’s just say. Part nice guy part dope fiend.
Well only one of me can be in control, if both of me could share the controls then I would be a happy functioning addict with a job, wife and who knows maybe even own a home. That’s never going to be the end of my story so let me smash that thought right now.
So my problem this morning, the reason for my irritability is my addict woke up pissed off! He is pissed off that for the past 21 years he has been in control, able to do with me whatever he has wanted to without ever being challenged. Any thought or meager attempt I ever had at trying to get clean he crushed and drug me deeper down towards the pits of hell as my punishment for even trying to take his control away!
This morning though he is trying to fight back. He is not at all happy that 87 days ago I took control back. That I cut him off cold turkey and am doing everything in my power to get stronger, have more control over him and prepare a future for myself that I want and will use as a motivating factor to never let him have control again.
He is fighting back this morning with the little bit that he has got left. He is playing with my emotions, he is trying to frustrate me, confuse me, knock me off balance and make me feel so uncomfortable that I resort back to the old behavior of coping with my troubled emotions by filling my body with chemicals in order to not have to feel them anymore.
It is really that simple of an answer to why I am feeling the way I feel this morning. A simple answer to what could have been a problem that had catastrophic results. By learning that my old behaviors get me loaded then I know I must learn new behaviors to solve my old style problems. New healthy behaviors give my old problems new results.
If we keep doing what we been doing were going to keep getting the same results that’s a fact. If I always respond to feeling negative by grabbing the first thing to numb the uncomfortableness than I am going to always be a dope fiend in active addiction wondering what the hell just happened and why is poor me high again.
Since this is always the outcome, then poor me ought to just kill himself because God knows I been trying to get clean but it just doesn’t seem to want to work for me!!
That was me guys and today I’m calling bullshit on ME! It is no longer poor me can’t seem to ever get a break and why is the world so much meaner to me than everybody else. God, I can’t believe I thought like that it makes me want to puke and vomit again for actually believing it and trying to take my own life.
Today I have to keep my emotions in check and realize that I am learning some healthy new coping mechanisms and that although it doesn’t mean I am going to feel great all the time, it does mean that I never have to use drugs or alcohol again!
Today I have flipped the script on my addiction. Today is not me having cravings to get high, it is my addict inside me who is having the cravings to get high. No longer do I have to get high again, I am in control and I choose not to get high today.
I am making a future that even in its infancy already looks way better than my best day high. Today I choose not to get high but the monster inside me who I chose to cut off cold turkey. He is one dope sick S.O.B. who is going to do whatever he can to try and get me to let him have a fix.
I didn’t feel well when I sat down to write this article and now I am back to the full me. On top my game, in control of my emotions and a soldier proud to walk off the battlefield this morning unscathed.
My addiction came at me with all he had this morning. With a preplanned all-out terrorist assault on my emotions, in hopes, I would respond with an old behavior that got me high and gave him back control.
Today as I stand at the top of the hill with my rifle in one hand and an American flag in the other I shout down to him and say seriously, is that all you got!