I’m simply fed up with perpetrators of sexual and physical abuse of others, going unpunished or UNDER punished.
Some of the news articles on the documentary I was featured in, “Chasing the Dragon” (seen below) talk about the individuals in the film. There’s actually several out there referencing me, you can see those comments here.
They reference the comments I made about my losses. and i’d like to clarify those comments.. There is an EMPTY place in my heart and an ENORMOUS weight on my shoulders all the time. I ache without thinking about it, as I have to actively NOT think about my daughter Kirstyn, who I loss to addiction. It’s always in the back of my mind, my heart’s peripheral, even as I laugh out loud. It’s in front of me as an obstacle that will always defy absolute peace.
I miss her. I will alway’s miss her.
My child who hated the same pills that the doctors had given me, found herself self medicating the anxiety of being a 20 year old woman suddenly without any parental direction from myself of her father. I made some poor choices and ended up in jail, and she was totally unprepared, just as any 20 year old would be. But it was due in large part to my over protection of her, which stemmed from both of our experiences with life. She was alone while trying to cope, straddled with worry, bound by anxiety and underlying pain related to… sexual assault .
The sexual assault changed both of our lives . I had been through some stuff I can’t even bring myself to talk about but I vowed it would NEVER happen to my child . Whatever happened to me I could handle. But to my child ? Unfathomable. Unfortunately , I couldn’t be everywhere at all times.
As it’s the second most agonizing moment of my life (after my loss of Kirstyn), I don’t talk about it, this is actually rare but I felt compelled. The moment I looked into my daughter’s eyes and saw that pain and confusion and fear as she pushed through it to try to tell me what she had endured … I almost passed out from rage. I wanted to kill. I still want to kill, but I can’t. I’ll never forget that feeling because its still there, buried.
THEY knew I wanted to kill because they cleared out of the townhouse they were held up in, I was hunting them. When I confided to my doctor my angst, he abruptly left the room and called the police. I guess I’m glad he did, though there are moments I’d gladly exchange a life in prison for her to be here.
The Manassas police department was awesome. Unfortunately , it was just barely outside their jurisdiction and it was transferred to Prince William. I’ll leave it at that. Nothing was really done because no one could be identified and the nature of the assault was such that evidence wasn’t as readily attainable as normal so hey, no solid DNA, why bother? I won’t go into details but there was MORE than enough other evidence including surveillance video. Not only enough to prosecute, but enough to convict. The system had let us down, again. Yet if I had exacted punishment I would’ve paid with my life. Hardly seems fair.
The rage in my doctor’s eyes expressed natural Italian bravado as he said furiously, “these things aren’t mobsters, they are nobody’s. They are thugs. They are trash, they are bullies…”
Nothing was done but it always weighed hard on us all and the whole family. We knew we had been fractured .
After that incident, we were walking through the mall one day and Kirstyn began to shake . I was beside myself with worry. I panicked, asking over and over what was wrong . She started to cry in a frantic way, we had to leave immediately. You see, she had eyed one of the cowards that had allowed her assault that night. She was terrified.
I took her outside and she told me what she saw. I was in a frenzy. I told her to stay in the car and we were running in to take his ass down. He obviously saw us too and had taken off. Kirstyn flew to the floor of the car as she noticed their luxury car rip out of the parking lot. Maggots in an expensive piece of metal, taunting and mocking us and terrorizing her .
My child who had never been racist suddenly began to hate and fear. After some time and “healing”, one day she let it go and she realized something. Predators come in all races. Her own brother, one of the best people alive was half Latin. Our whole family have had individual and family relationships with people of all races. Some so close I call them family. It never, ever made a difference in the end because I always reminded her that she’d been hurt by Caucasian people too, although differently. I had been harmed by various races, my own blood .
If she can realize this and I can realize this, what’s wrong with those of you who hate so much? Judge a man not by the color of his skin but the content of his character, and the content of THOSE characters was pure evil . They pushed my child over her edge that day. They destroyed me that day .
I say all this to say that drug offenders DO NOT belong in jail. They are masking and medicating their own pain . WE are trying to stop feeling that agony often inflicted by family members by way of molestation, rape or horrible abuse, strangers and or acquaintances by way of rape and sexual assault.
I was briefly molested as a 3 year old child but suppressed the memories . My mother did her job, protected me and got rid of the threat. However, once in my Grandfather’s care, he attempted to touch me and made suggestive remarks, after already horribly beating me. I drew the line at that attempt and I escaped. I wish I could report to you that no one ever hurt me again but you see, the sad reality is that young people, particularly “at risk” youth are sitting ducks for predators. Yes , it was bad. Certainly a past I choose to never revisit, not even in nightmares. Yet, I was FAR from alone. As a young lady I knew so MANY more girls AND boys who were victims . It was disgusting. It was rampant. It is reality .
I wish I could tell you my grandfather stopped there and never harmed another person but that is not truth. No, he went on to attempt to destroy the spirits of sweet, happy young ladies . HIS evil victimized momentarily, but their strong spirits ultimately prevailed. He didn’t win. They went on to survive and find strength and raise beautiful families of their own.
For all of the torture that man spread in his lifetime , he never paid a day in his lifetime until the very end. I believe he pays now .
Is that enough? I think not, oh, its no big deal if a girl is abused or a boy is raped, right? What do you think happens to young minds after such an incident? And yet, the very things they use to forget the misery, you throw them in jail for, while, in some sick twisted craziness, their rapists enjoy freedom to continue the cycle. I have sat in on court proceedings on abuse cases . Pedophiles receiving simple weekends in jail. Probation, counseling, Yes… they were “ill”. We have to excuse the “illness. Yet their victims struggle to cope with the aftermath and are punished for the method in which they do so.
The lasting destruction caused by abuse goes on to ruin generations to come.
Enough is enough . Make room for the predators to spend their lives in prison and guess what , there will most definitely be fewer drug offenders, aka lost souls.
Angry and fed up, no not anymore.