My sister attempted suicide last weekend. It was the same evening as my nephew’s wedding. Obviously, it was a tragically selfish thing to do.
What is also tragic is that I don’t feel worse than I do about it. I think that I should be incredibly sad and distraught. But I’m not, I feel indifferent. I wonder how I would feel if she had been successful… I am sure it would be horrible, I hope so anyway.
My relationship with her has not been good for a long time. She is my twin sister—but also in many ways, my biggest nemesis. She has torn through me with her negativity and criticism our entire lives. I could and will never live up to her expectations– don’t really know what they are to be honest. The worst part of what occurs is how she has tried and for many years succeeded by gossip and negativity, in turning family against me.
Of course most of this was because of her fragile ego. She was in such a state that she needed to be the loved one. Cherished one. Apparently the only way she saw this could happen was to destroy anyone who might take some of that love away from her.
It is the same with trying to kill yourself on the night of a family wedding.
I want to dig deep into myself, however, and find empathy. I want to be a better person than how I find myself now. Even if my relationship with my sister is dead, I would hope that I could find sympathy for anyone who is desperate and depressed. I hate that I am cold. I hate that I don’t care.
I feel that there was a time when news of her doing something like this would have sent me into such grief I would have done anything to help her. If there ever was a time it is long past… and I morn that loss. I am sad for her and for me. It is a very sad thing when your relationship with your sister is this broken– is dead.
As horrible as our childhood was it would seem that we would have stood by each other. In our case it was everyone trying to survive on their own. We did it in a more or less brutal fashion. Her words ended up being our demise. Mean, cruel biting words. Words meant to tear down and and ruin. I know I have a part to play in the blame game, but to be honest I haven’t a clue as to my intentional or unintentional offense. I do know at a certain point she crossed a line– it took until our mid 40’s, but that was when I could no longer forgive and forget. The relationship was dead.
We were at another nephews wedding. My twin had been nagging me for years about my drinking and saying: “you are just like mom”. (A royal insult). And she said this despite her alcoholism and drug use… which I found to be ironic. Anyway, I had, at the time of the wedding, been sober for several months. I was doing great. She knew this and despite no longer drinking “like mom” she came up to me and told me to “hold out my hands”. I obliged. She then plopped a couple Vicodin and some Ativan into my palms. I asked her why she was giving them to me and she just said: “so you can have a good time”.
I felt like it was a set-up. She couldn’t support me in either my states of intoxication or sobriety. This was a classic move on her party, to undermine me. Her next step would have been, if I had taken the pills, to go behind my back and tell my other sisters that I was still using. She needed them to be disgusted with me, to think of me as a failure.
Her games have long been exposed and no one falls for her manipulations. Listens to her gossip. She had chiseled away their confidence in her and her words. She had put a knife in her relationship with our other sisters, as well as mine and it was her own doing.
The thing she wanted and needs the most, to be loved she, has become nearly impossible to give her. She can be that vicious. That demanding. That negative.
Her attempts to force proof of love during these suicide attempts further push me away.
She simply has committed Sistercide.