Summary: Journal entries from a year ago, when I relapsed and went back to using heroin, among other drugs. It is a look inside the mind of a recovering addict, and what pushed me to use again. This is during last spring, months before I chose MAT. It shows my decline into dependency, again; what my state of mind is, and how I justify my actions. Enjoy!
April, 2016: Witnessing Heroin being cooked is something no one should see. It is dark, and it devours everything. As my friend loads his rig, I see the pull of the syringe, the chunk of tar, and the water turning brown. And I sit, and I watch, mesmerized; I can imagine the feeling when I close my eyes. Heroin has taken hold, and it does not want to let me go. I’m trapped, my friends are trapped, and I am helpless to do anything.
He does his thing, I do mine, knowing I am making as mistake, and I should not be here. Yet I am, and I do my dope anyways. I know its power, and the pain and suffering it caused me. I see my friend, and how he is affected, and I get scared.
-These next posts are tough to read because I was so high when writing them, but I do my best to make them eligible. This is when I slowly start sliding back into full dependence-
April 17: Pinned out and nodding out. The combination makes my vision blurry. Got a 30 for tomorrow, and maybe the next. I am anxious.
April 19: I can’t keep doing this. Bought a 60 yesterday, only have a small bag left. Got up at 7:30am and started to make a foil.
May 2: Kolonopin and Xanax are the only thing holding me together right now. I need to see my doctor ASAP. I had a small breakdown today. I am so stressed with everything.
May 8: (Trying to convince myself that I need Adderall from my doc)
Is this the addict talking? Or would Vyvanse help? It seems to help me focus and concentrate.
May 30: All shit broke loose this morning. My mom went through my phone and saw everything, and knows what I’ve been up too lately. Why do I sabotage myself every time things are going well? My brothers hate me. They found me the other day on my bed, nodded out, and thought I had died from an OD. Lips were blue, slow breathing. Benzos and H are going to kill me.
I couldn’t feel anymore worthless; my self-esteem is so low. Suicide crosses my mind from time to time, but that doesn’t solve anything. It would kill my family. And I tried once, and failed, don’t want to test my luck, again.
I don’t want to be the son, nephew, cousin, who dies of an OD.
July, 2016: I need to get off this shit again. I’m speed balling right now, my heart is about to jump through my chest. I need to clean myself up. The addy can get me through the next 24 hrs, then the kolonopin and sleeping pills will carry me the rest of the way.
I’ve got to keep myself distracted so I don’t keep thinking about junk. If I can just get clean..
(The justifications I would tell myself to excuse my behavior are horrendous.)
July 17: Slower day, but still did numbers. Didn’t detox, got high instead. I think an addy and kpins will help.
I’m hooked again. I’ve done it everyday since April. I need to get out of here, remove myself from the environment for a few days to detox.
July 27: This is my last day using. Did some when I woke, and have a small piece for later. Going to Guernsey w/ my dad. He doesn’t know that I will be detoxing.
(Dad takes me to WY. Camped out for a few days, dope sick, hating life.)
July 30: Got back from camping earlier today. Dad was thinking we would boat and fish, but I was dope sick for three days straight. Eventually told him why I was sick and we left. Now, 72 hours later, I am withdrawing, and need relief…
..Few hours later..
Bought a 40. I couldn’t take the detox any longer. It is getting harder to get clean after a relapse.. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. On the drive home from the spot, I nodded out and hit a median. Car is fine, but if the police showed I could’ve been fucked.
August 1: Somebody died of an OD last night. My buddy called to tell me. The cops confiscated his phone, and all the conversations we’ve had. Found out that dealers are getting charged with homicide now?!
(During this time, I had another accident. I nodded out, again, while driving, and rear ended a truck. Truck was fine. My bumper hooked on his hitch and tore it off.)
August 11: Enter MAT and have been relapse free since. Now I am planning what the next few years will look like with treatment.
August 14: First sober birthday in a few years.. I am 25 years old.
Name: For privacy, please use Joseph M.
I am a recovering heroin addict, and have been writing since I was 19. I wanted to share my stories and experiences with people to show them that recovery is possible, and to give hope to anybody suffering. I want to help break the stigma around addiction, especially opiate addiction.
(Anyway to hyperlink my twitter handle and blog to their respected sites? I did it in MS word, but not sure if it stays after copy and paste.)