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[ Personal Narratives ]

My Son, My Heroin Addict, My Heart

Suicide By Substance Abuse

I lost my handsome son Scott to alcohol and drug addiction. The coroner wrote on his death certificate that the cause of death was suicide. Though his actual death was the end of his time on earth, I had actually lost him many years before. As many other moms have done, I have searched and wracked my mind and heart on what more I could have done to save him. What I didn’t give him that he needed from me?

My Struggle, My Son’s Struggle

I was a single mom, Scott’s dad died a few months before his sixth birthday. His baby sister Sarah was not yet a year old. I was much too young and unprepared to be a single parent. No one can ever really be prepared for such a tragedy. I know I tried my best to be mom and dad to my children, even so I know I fell short.

I have so much guilt for not recognizing sooner that Scott’s needs were not being met. Blinded by my own grief I didn’t see his pain. I now know he turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age to cope with his pain. I was naive, I did not recognize the signs, was ignorant of what was going on in my own home. My daughter now grown is happily married and has given me two beautiful grandchildren. I know her life though not perfect is full and content. Why oh why couldn’t Scott have defeated his demons and gone on to a happy productive life?

He Hurt Himself and His Family

I have to confess this to all of you: I loved my son deeply and I miss him every day but the tears that should be flowing are not. I don’t understand why but it is almost as if I started to cry I would never be able to stop. Does that make any sense? Or is it a sense of relief that his battle is over? He was was in incredible pain mentally and he also caused so much pain to all of us. The lies, the stealing the constant worry for his safety. The hope when he would enter rehab and the despair when he drank or drugged upon release. The burden was incredible for him and for those of us who loved him.

The Grief That Cuts So Deeply

Another cause for my guilt is my lack of tears!! Scott was my first born: the feeling of infinite love for him was overwhelming. He is forever in my heart and mind. The only message I have to give is to love them with all your heart. We cannot fix everything even though we want to. We have to try because we love them and we will never stop loving them, even when they push us away. Oh how I long for just one more hug, one more smile, one more “I love you Mom.”