The Relapse of Rejection
By Eric McBride
Tonight, I came to a very heavy conclusion. I found myself writing about this conclusion on my blog:
“REJECTION: That fucking word. It’s such an ugly fucking word: how it’s spelled, how it sounds, what it means to me personally… “Rejection” … Fuck. I am absolutely scared to death of rejection.
I had never come to actualization with the fact that, for all of my life, stemming as far back as I could remember as a child, my biggest fear in life was in fact, Rejection. This realization and application of how to better handle it was, to say the least, life-changing.
As I was trying to fall asleep after posting this to my blog here, my brain wouldn’t stop racing, and was bombarding me with all kinds of bullshit useless thoughts. Then I realized something, again.
I think I’m starting to have a handle on something here. Regarding a very profound reason for my fixation to Heroin.
Heroin enabled me to live a life of Rejection by Default. As a junkie, all the people in my life who I cared about, and who I knew cared about me, chose to walk out of my life. I was consciously choosing to use Heroin as a way to alienate myself from others who could potentially ridicule me, or worst case scenario: reject me. My ex girlfriend. a perfect example, someone whom I spent five years with, four of those years being Heroin addicts together. Even she rejected me.
And this is how I justified living that life. I found comfort and took solace in being able to just blame the drugs, rather than blame myself and my actions, for the fact that I had nobody, for the fact that I had flaws that put me at risk of being rejected.
Heroin let me cut right to the chase and prevented me from facing one of my biggest fears by juxtaposingly utilizing the very idea of that fear; I was literally using rejection to help me not experience rejection. I was rejecting my own very self. This is now an idea that is so fucking unsettling to me. God damn.
But in doing all of this, all I did was bottle that shit something fucking fierce, and stuff it so deep down inside of me and to the darkest back-room corners of my mind, that it has literally taken me this long (last time I used was March 26th of this year) just to fathom even a remote understanding of that.
Self-Rejection is by far in my opinion the most ungodly powerful form of Self-Destruction, and is a very real catalyst to self-harm and suicidal behavior. It is the opposite end of a duality with Self-Actualization, and that is the reason I am having such a fucking horrid time trying to figure out who I am and why I am doing anything at all.
By confining the behavior of Self-Actualization for four straight years, I literally never learned a single thing about myself in all that time. Now that I’m sober and don’t plan on having a Relapse, my brain is literally overloading me by slamming me with four years worth of learning in a span of less than three months. This is not a very fair or easy proportion for me, it is, like I said, truly overwhelming.
THIS IS THE REASON WHY RELAPSE OCCURS SO OFTEN, AND IN DIRECT CORRELATION WITH THE LENGTH AND DEPTH OF THE HABIT.
But ya know what? I’m going with the flow of it just fine, because somewhere deep within me, I have the fighting spirit of the wildest goddamn animal imaginable, I have a nearly morbid fire burning sickly hot within my soul, I have a will and determination to Choose Life like I never had before, even though it will still take much more time for me to be able to apply it and let that fire out. So in the mean time, with no Relapse on the horizon, I’m learning to take things, as they say in AA, one day at a time.