My mind is wondering my heart weary and my soul is condemned. I feel so lonely at times even in a home where I’m loved. I feel so invisible at times when so many can see me. Somedays I feel hopeless even though I see hope all around me. My troubled mind questions everything, and makes me feel as though I’m standing on the edge of a cliff. With no where to go but down.
At times I appear to be weak, but I’m strong;
At times I appear to be needy, but I’m just compassionate.
At times I appear to not care, but I love with my all.
I long for perfection and peace. A life that’s full of smiling faces with no doubts and worries or pain. A world where the words addiction, loss, grief, sadness, hopeless, and despair don’t exist.
How do I live in this world that I all too often just don’t understand? Where even the littlest things going wrong can send me into a downward spiral.
Yet life is indeed hard, after all it’s the first noble truth that to live is to suffer. Birth is suffering, aging is suffering, addiction is suffering, dissociation from the loved is suffering.
I wish sometimes that there could be an exception to that rule. The rule that life is just not fair. That I could just live in my fairy-tale. A perfect world were we all can be happy and full of love. I know that this is the little girl inside me crying out and only wanting to be a kid again.
I try to breath yet no air is taken in.
I try to drink yet the thirst is unquenched.
I try to eat yet the fulfillment is denied.
This is the life I live and the struggle I endure as a fight a war within myself; a war within my own mind. The struggle of good and evil that has existed for as long as time itself. This is what I must deal with, and I will overcome the torture, because pain is only temporary, even though at times, it feels as though it will last forever.
Then again, pain is a transitional term, because it can not exist without joy.
So i search for peace, and most often i’m able to find strength… from where I do not know, and maybe it’s just supposed to be that way. What I do know, is that to some extent I get to choose how I perceive and react to the environment around me. What I do believe, is that my life is only as “bad” as I allow it to be. I stand outside my body looking at my life as it is, and I have so much to be grateful for.
I don’t wish to change a single thing about my past or the future I will live. For the choices I have made make me the person I am today. The loneliness endured lasts just a moment in my life. The happiness is forever lasting. This is the world I wish to have. For what good is a world with no lesson to learn and a world where we can not become a better version of ourself. This is who I am and this is where I belong. This I know without a doubt.