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[ Personal Narratives ]

Thoughts on Sobriety

I have been drinking alcohol pretty steadily for the past 16 years (other than being pregnant). I’ll be honest I have enjoyed it in the past but it has played a part in me doing some pretty stupid things, especially in my youth. These days I live a pretty clean existence. I don’t eat meat, I don’t drink caffeine, I avoid dairy most of the time, I don’t smoke (unless drunk), I try to buy organic and chemical free food. 

But this drinking thing, it’s like I’m stuck on it. I can’t imagine what it would be like without it at certain occasions. I don’t drink daily at all. Very rarely at home. And the more time I spend trying to live cleanly and increase my vibration the more alcohol affects me when I do drink it. This weekend I had a horrific hangover on an amount of alcohol that previously wouldn’t have even got me started (hello ageing) and when I say a horrific hangover what I mean is, I didn’t think I would stop throwing up. Sorry to be graphic but I am always honest here. And I did, as everyone does in this situation, say to myself ‘I am not doing this any more’. And I really meant it, I really want to mean it, but it’s hard. 

It’s hard for several reasons; I am just so USED to drinking in a lot of situations that I wonder if it or I would be different and I wouldn’t enjoy it, I worry that people will think I am boring (I never worry what people think of me in any other situation!), I worry that I’ll forget how to have fun and if I don’t enjoy going out anymore will I be destined to spend every night at home for the rest of forever reading, writing and meditating (doesn’t sound that bad actually..) When I tell people that I intend to stop drinking they usually say either ‘oh yeah, until next time’ or ‘oh i say that when I’m hungover too’. They don’t seem to understand that I actually mean it. And when they say that it sort of makes me think ‘fuck it, who am i kidding’. 

But something else that scares me, that I admit here for the first time ever, even to myself, if I stop drinking and I become the person I want to be, my life will irreversibly change. This is weird, because it is what I do want. I am working damn hard to change, to be more spiritual, more open, more loving and a channel for peace and joy but honestly, it also scares me. Life is changing for me fast and I ask for things I know I want and then when they come I am not sure I want them at all. All I actually want is to live my life for the highest good of myself, my family and the world but I have moments where I freak out and think ‘wasn’t it easier before?’ of course it wasn’t. I’m just scared of change. Can I live for the greater good while spending a whole day in bed vomiting and sleeping and then working the toxins out of my body for days? Of course not. There’s my answer then. Here goes, as of writing this I have gone for 3 days without a drink and on publishing it will be 9. Goodbye hangovers, goodbye embarrassing myself, goodbye harming my body. Hello to another huge step.

And for clarification, I will never judge anyone else who can drink and not get themselves into a total mess like me. Go you! 🙂

Love & light,

Imogen x