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[ Personal Narratives ]

To The Man I loved and Lost to Addiction

I always knew looking back on the tears, I would laugh. I never thought looking back on the laughs it would bring tears to my eyes.

I’ll never forget our first date, I remember looking up at you and I just knew you were going to change my entire life. You were going to be something different; and you were. What we had was real. Our love was an adventure. Life was instantly better with you around, you intensified the good and made it great. I truly believed our love could make it through anything that life challenged us with.

I wish I would of taken in all the smaller moments longer. We had so many big adventure and wild stories to tell but it’s the small memories that get me. I wish I would of held them in a little longer, I just assumed there would be no end and thousand more to come. But in the blink of an eye everything can change. That you, no longer existed.

As our relationship grew the more I could see that there was an extremely dark part to you, a part of you that your depression had a complete hold over and could alter your thoughts at any time. It was a void in you that you so ever long to fill. A void that even our great love couldn’t fill, a void only self love could fill. Easier said than done. I could see your inner demons wouldn’t allow you to love yourself. You struggled with it daily, sometimes hourly.

So when your once I’m just experimenting turned into self medication I suppose I shouldn’t of been too surprised but I just didn’t understand at the time. Drugs well it could mask your pain for you, it could pretend to take your depression away and allow you to feel complete for a brief while until the mask starting wearing off and that hole that you thought had been filled was still there, now only a tad bigger.

Loving you became a very lonely place.

Your self indulgence in drugs, stopped allowing you to care about our relationship. However from the outside looking in, you hid it so well. Im not sure if I even know the extend of how bad it truly got. You were always after that feeling of masking your depression even if it was temporarily. You began to love drugs more than you loved me. You began to lose control over your mental capacity to make healthy decisions for yourself. You were not happy unless you were high.

While you were busy waging wars on yourself, I was trying to stop the fight.

i remember one night you came in, stumbling into every piece of furniture we had and I remember getting up, standing in the doorway and watching you knock yourself out. I ran to you and kept screaming your name, kept yelling wake up. When you woke a few minutes later, you were disoriented and out of mind telling me how you hated yourself, how everything would be better if you were no longer here.

That night was the beginning of my heart shredding slowly.

This was the beginning of a downfall. After that night, deep down in my heart I knew a series of terrible of events laid ahead in our future. But still in denial I shoved those feelings so far down me. Who wants to accept the love of their life is an addict?

After long discussions of what had taken place and the promises to change like any other person starting their road with an addict. I believed those promises, not because logically I knew it wasnt over but emotionally I needed it to be true. So I believed it for not only him but myself. 

Shortly those promises filled up to be empty. The nights of I’m just experimenting turned into Well it’s Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Lets party. I knew it had become an issue that I didn’t know how to deal with. The man I once entered a relationship with was now only happy when he was high. He had a convincing way of wanting me to take part. So I started to endulge with him. I wanted so badly the man I loved so much back and the only time I saw it was during our high moments. I still didn’t get it. 

It wasn’t until he sat me down one day after not sleeping for almost 48 hours, completely high telling me how a drug made him feel normal, the way he should feel, that he had been doing it a lot more than I even knew about. I remember my eyes were just glued open in disbelief and I finally muttered out the words, you need help.

After that night I had to make a choice with myself. What type of love do I hold for him. Is it the type of love that saves his life or the type of love that tries to make our relationship work. 

I tried to have both. I could no longer condemn his actions or pretend I was okay with it. I had to stop it, but the thought of his leaving shredding my heart equally. I quickly came to realize I couldn’t have both. Any addict that starts to feel like their addiction is being threaten starts to resent and hate you. And he did. The more I tried to stop it the more I pushed him away. I probably read every article on both sides of an addict and ones that love an addict on how to handle the situation correctly and I still couldn’t stop it. 

Our relationship fell apart. He wasn’t dead or gone completely but standing in our living room after him watching move out and the house half empty. I began to feel like this I was grieving a death. I watched drugs strip true happiness from his life, and I couldn’t stop it. 

I still tried to remain close to him after our breakup. I reached out to friends and Some family members for help. The thoughts of waking up to a phone call one day saying he was gone wasn’t something I couldn’t bare. Eventually my heart became a toy for him. He never experienced really losing me. He could come and go as he pleased knowing I would always forgive with open arms. 

I began to realize I might need recovery from this as well.  I lost so much of myself trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. So I let go. I began to rebuild my life again because my well being and happiness are equally as important. I began to let go of the hope to change his choices or being the one to stop it all. Some days I feel guilty. I will hear in passing some of the crazy, self destructive things he does and my heart stops and I immediately want to reach out trying to help, only to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what I say or do. I still reach out in some type of way to let him know I hope he is okay.

I spent a long time trying to understand addiction and I know I fully won’t because I’m not an addict. I wanted to keep fighting but I was beginning to drown as well. letting go was the hardest choice I’ve ever ever to make. Detaching myself. I hope he finds recovery and if he does ever want to try I’ll still stand by him every step of the way, but his addiction can no longer Control the outcome of my life. 

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