I’ve never been much of a morning person, yet I love the sunshine. I guess my mind doesn’t fully wake until darkness sets in. I’ll spend the evening frustrated with myself as everything planned for a day, went unfinished, yet again.
After all of the progress I’ve made over the past 4 years, admittedly I’m in a bit of a slump. I can’t exactly point to a specific cause, though there’s obviously many. But, I’ll come through it, I always do.
Reflecting back, I kept going after the worst trauma and loss anyone could experience. Think of your worst nightmare as a parent or a child and just know I live and breathe it everyday. Believe it or not though, it could be even worse. That’s the anomaly of life as a human. Until your last breath it could get better or it could get worse, it really is a matter of perspective. This truth keeps me moving.
The past 4 years were filled with reckless choices. But, I’ve also made some very brave and selfless decisions as well. I guess you could say I’ve taken and I’ve given. I cheated and was cheated . I beat myself and let others kick the shit out of me. I played roulette, and snapped out of it before I lost …
But then I woke up … alive and not too dead to care. I’m a survivor. What does that word mean anyway? Alive but barely breathing? A lot of the time, truthfully. But, that’s not going to be my definition.
I suppose I’m at a crossroads spurred by a lack of fulfillment and painful longings. This is not a new feeling but I know this isn’t a side street this time. This is a major intersection. I smile, I laugh, I enjoy many things though agony remains my silent passenger. What will I do? I hope what I believe, but first … let me just vent.
I’m annoyed with God, I won’t lie. While I’ve tried my hardest to see the beauty in the hideous and the positive in tragedy, it gets harder everyday . I said fuck it and threw my lot into dedicating the rest of my life to trying to save lives. No, God didn’t whisper any guidance into my ear , I made this choice feeling it was divinely inspired . So… why does every door have to be pried and busted open or is every road paved in a foot of shit? Nothing I attempt to do comes easy anymore even when my intentions are purest . Yet back when I was a self serving manipulator , luck seemed to flow like honey. You can’t help but ask yourself … why bother ???!
Lately I’ve also felt a strong urge to drink and drown. This is a temptation I haven’t struggled with in a long time. I am an opiate or narcotic addict , not an alcoholic, but I guess that’s why we should call it a “substance abuse disorder”. You’ll abuse whatever makes the intensity dissolve momentarily.
I’ve felt like I’m trapped in a tight, frozen cocoon, suffocating and few choices are actually mine. Yes, it fucking sucks.
I laid awake last night thinking on my memoirs and just how honest I plan to be . I have nothing to lose. I have a feeling at times that either no one will care or they will just enjoy gawking at the craziness of it all . I wonder if it will REALLY set me free or feel like a three ring circus of emotions complicated by nothingness . Will it feel like I’m standing completely nude in front of the “world” (aka, whoever takes an interest), completely scarred up and feeling pretty lame, or, will it feel liberating and go on to inspire others ? Who knows… maybe both. I guess I’ve come this far , why the hell not. I will bust out of that cocoon and make my own choices here very soon…
I miss my daughter’s face and still, I can’t stand to look at her picture for more than a moment. I miss her presence in my life but can’t do a damn thing about it. I speak her name and recall memories constantly but feel empty and numb, even as I enthusiastically share with others. It almost feels forced and faked until I give myself permission to REALLY feel. Then it’s overwhelming . Okay, I’m still alive, not too dead to care… YET.
I miss a son that I talk to often but haven’t seen in almost a year. With any effort I could see his face whenever but no, it’s not that easy. I know he misses me too, I have to remind myself constantly I WAS a mother once . I AM a mother. Still, it’s almost surreal. A child I’d see or speak to everyday is now far and away, living his life like all of the strangers on this insane planet.
I yearn for a place I hardly remember now, the California desert. Is it simply a fantasy of a happy place or is it the missing link in lieu of so many I’ve loved that I’ve lost? I can’t say. I haven’t made it there …YET. Maybe I’m afraid that when I do finally make it there that the excitement and optimism that’s kept me going will reveal itself as another illusion .
Whether it’s the spiritual awakening and satisfaction of helping others, the idea that I WILL see my daughter again, the reality that I AM a mother that loves her children more than she can tolerate feeling or nervous excitement of returning one day to my childhood home … it’s what keeps me going . Yea, there’s a strong possibility that all of the above fails to fill the gaping hole in my darkened heart but …not yet .
I did complete a task planned today while the sun was still bright. I told my truth and faced my demons down.
I guess I’m not too dead to care; I feel better already … well, at least I’ll pretend I do. Fake it til you make it.