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[ Personal Narratives ]

Addiction Disguises Love As Fear

I’m a recovering addict. I’d like to share my story with you as it stands thus far.

A little over nine months ago I came to a very honest and clear understanding that I am an addict. The various substances I was abusing hollowed me out, I was a shadow of myself. I could no longer see me anymore. I had lost all capacity to feel anything except despair, shame, and desperation. I was living a constant lie.

Towards the end however I did begin to feel something else, I began to feel a desperate cry within my soul for God’s help. I found myself almost unable to stop this plea for rescue. I believe whole heartedly that addiction was just the final stage of a heart and soul sickness and that my plea was for the healing and mending of my fractured heart. Suddenly I could no longer lie about it to myself, I realized with startling clarity that I was truly an addict – something I somehow had never quite grasped. 

Not only was I an addict, I was on the verge of losing my soul as well. There was only a very thin thread holding me back from spiritual oblivion, a fate far worse than physical expiration I’m quite sure.

Once I admitted these things I felt like I had found myself. Honesty was the key, and I let nearly all of my family and friends know.. For some, it was hard to take, but for many others it produced a sigh of relief and an outpouring of love and support. 

It was at that moment in my life that my path altered drastically. I no longer found myself on the broad road of destruction and instead found myself on the beautiful yet narrow path of recovery. That thin thread that connected me to a loving power greater than myself became a little bigger and stronger. 

When I detoxed off of drugs, I definitely felt like I had found myself, however the “me” I found seemed more like a child at first, scared and without the slightest clue as to how to handle life without drugs. My emotions which had been suppressed and stomped down for so long came roaring to the forefront of my consciousness demanding to be finally acknowledged. Through this though, I’ve felt a steady hand upon my shoulder and a calming voice spoken in my heart, reassuring me and affirming love for me. I still feel this love and when struggles and mountains are faced my awareness of it grows more and more. It’s like hearing music from a long way off. You can’t really make it out, you just hear a note here and a faint melody, but still you strain to hear more. You get closer to the source and soon you hear a full measure, then a chorus and soon you can somewhat hum along to it. I know I’m only hearing it in a muted way now but my God it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever heard and I want my very soul to be full of this song. Not only full of it but I want to be an instrument it’s played on.

I find an ever growing love within me, not only for myself but for everyone. It’s a love that’s unlike any concept of love I’ve ever known. It loves me all the time. It doesn’t love my illusions or false notions of good or bad, it loves me and me alone, naked just as I am. I find the more I accept this love for myself the more I am able to love others in a similar fashion. It is without doubt the most sublimely beautiful experience I have felt in this world. This is where I find myself today. It is my sincerest hope and desire that you too find yourself here as well, your path may not look like mine but every soul longs for this place. It is home. You were made to receive this love and in turn give it to others

I love you all dearly. Take heart!