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[ Personal Narratives ]

Violent Outbursts & The Negative Effects of Benzos

Violent outburst, no guilt, and emotional detachment were just some of the negative effects I had to suffer at the hands of someone who was addicted to Benzos. When I was in active addiction I never came across Benzos so I never did any. I had no idea what they were until someone I cared about got addicted. I had been clean for a couple years before I learned what they were. I was in a serious relationship with another recovering addict when he relapsed on benzos and because I was so uninformed about benzos I had no idea what was going on. I had no clue that getting a script would cause him problems. 

He eventually told me that he use to get Benzos prescribed to him for anxiety but that he didn’t need them. He said he would only take them to go to bed after getting high and I figured since he wasn’t using anymore I had nothing to worry about. However when he got them prescribed again I started questioning him why he got a script if he didn’t really have anxiety. His excuse was he needed money and wanted to sell them. For some reason, I believed him and let it go at that. I didn’t know they were a problem drug a lot of people get addicted to. He said they weren’t a big deal because they were prescribed to him and I believed, well for a while anyways.

Once he got his script he snorted the whole thing in the matter of days. A months worth in as little as 3 days. He tried to hide it from me, but I eventually realized something was wrong when he wasn’t acting like himself. It felt like I was living with a total stranger and I wasn’t sure what the cause was at first. Considering I’m a recovering addict and a child of an addict I’m well acquainted with addiction so it wasn’t too hard to figure out he was using again.

He got very aggressive, threatening, distant and without guilt. By the time he got his 3rd script I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I flushed the rest of his pills down the toilet. He raced to the bathroom and pushed me in the tub to save his precious pills. It didn’t matter that I was pregnant at the time. It was all very traumatic. I probably shouldn’t have flushed them but I was hormonal and he was distant with no emotions. 

I was hurt and lost but I really loved him. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

If the pills are taken as prescribed they help a lot of people but he was abusing them and that’s what caused our problems. They are meant to numb anxiety but if you take ten times the required amount you numb absolutely everything. Guilt and conscious with it. Anxiety and fear to a certain degree is a good thing. It prevents you from stealing, cheating and doing other hurtful shit to the person you love because you fear losing them.

Even though he relapsed and got violent I didn’t leave him. I now knew one of the side effects of abusing Benzos is turning your emotions off so you just don’t care anymore. We worked through it and things got better. He quit using and tried to make up for his mistakes. I understood that it was the drug abuse and not him. Being a child of an addict it wasn’t my first time dealing with an addicted loved one. I know having compassion for the addict can go a long way in helping them get better.

I feel like it’s important to let people know the effects so people can recognize when someone might be taking more than they should. They aren’t to be messed with or taken lightly. It a serious drug to abuse and only people who need them should take them.

Read more at A Recovering Addicts Blog

Sincerely, Charmed